Never a Hero

generous of me.”
    “I don’t mind.”
    “I didn’t mean for it to go like that.”
    “I liked it,” I said, turning to kiss his cheek. “I liked getting to be the hero for once.”
    He laughed. “I liked it too, but I think I can do better.” He sat up to look down at us, his pants gaping, his drooping cock hanging free, and the sticky mess he’d made on my T-shirt. “How about if we clean up a bit?”
    We undressed each other, and I let him lead me into the shower. There, under a scalding spray, he pulled me into his arms. He took my erection in his hand. “Your turn.” And as the water poured over us, as the bathroom filled with steam, as he kissed me again and again, I lost myself.
    I wanted to let him be the hero this time, but that wasn’t how it felt. I felt abandoned. Already, he was pulling away from me. I could almost taste his grief. By the time it was over, the water was turning cold. I stood shivering as he found me a towel. I noticed that he couldn’t quite meet my eyes.
    “It’ll be time to go soon,” he said to me when I came out of the bathroom. “You probably want to change.”
    “Can I ride with you?”
    He nodded, but he didn’t smile at me. Whatever pleasure we’d had together, he was paying the price for it now. I could see the guilt on his face, the lines of worry around his eyes.
    “Nick, please don’t do this.”
    He pinched the top of his nose and shook his head. “I have no self-control with you.”
    “Good.”
    “No. It’s not good. If you get sick because of me, I’ll never forgive myself.”
    I didn’t know if I was hurt or angry. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to burst into tears or to rail at him for making things so hard. I either wanted to pull him into my arms and let him come apart, or beat him until he gave up being so goddamn stubborn. In the end, I didn’t get to decide because my cell phone rang. One glance at the caller ID was enough to make me cringe.
    “Hello?”
    I’d hoped it might be my dad on the line, but no such luck. “Owen, are you sure about this? There’s still time to back out.”
    “I’m not quitting.”
    She sighed heavily. “I think we’d all be better off staying inside. It’s so cold out, and the roads are icy. I’m afraid your dad will wreck the car.”
    “You live in Wyoming, Mom. It’s not like Dad doesn’t know how to handle a bit of snow on the roads.”
    “Are the pews padded? It’s not one of those churches that has wooden benches, is it? Or those metal folding chairs? I don’t know if my back can take—”
    And in that moment, I broke. I’d had enough. Enough of Nick’s tug of war. Enough of my mother’s complaints. Enough of living my life according to the dictates of other people.
    “Then don’t come.”
    She instantly fell silent. I could sense her disapproval and her indignation at being cut off. At being dismissed. “Well, if that’s the way you feel—”
    “It is. I’m tired of listening to you talk about the son you wished you’d had. I’m the one you’ve got, Mom, and if you don’t want to be there for me, it’s no skin off my nose. I never wanted you here in the first place.”
    I’d finally done it. I’d rid myself of my mother’s venomous attitude, and I hadn’t stuttered even once while I’d done it. I hung up, feeling victorious, and turned to find Nick watching me, his eyes wide.
    “Good for you,” he said.
    But I wasn’t in the mood to be congratulated. I was just as tired of his well-intentioned martyrdom as I was of my mother’s attitude. “Are you going to apologize and tell me we’re fine, or are you going to keep pretending like you have to push me away to be noble?”
    “Owen, you don’t understand—”
    “I understand a lot better than you think. Frankly, I think I understand it better than you.” I felt his eyes on me as I dressed, but I didn’t shrink under the weight of his confusion. “You haven’t broken out of that cage as much as you like to think.”
    “Owen, wait,” he called as I headed for the door. “Don’t you need a ride?”
    “I’d rather walk.”

    It was still cold out, and although I was already regretting the way I’d left things with Nick, I didn’t regret turning down the ride. Walking to the recital gave me time to think.
    First and foremost, I thought about my mother. My whole life I’d thought I was the focus of her anger, but now, looking back on the day, I began to realize it wasn’t just me. My friends and the