Nightside 08 - The Unnatural Inquirer

them were quite intrigued by the thought.
    “It can’t be authentic,” said Dagon. “I mean, we’re in the business of faith, not hard evidence. And if there had ever been a broadcast from the Hereafter, we’d have heard about it long before this.”
    “And just the idea of recording one is so…tacky,” Stack! said, folding his four green arms across his sunken chest.
    “But it could be very good for business,” said the Elegant Profundity, strumming a minor chord on his Rickenbacker.
    The group went very thoughtful.
    “There’s money to be made here,” said Dagon. “Serious money. And there’s nothing like business success to bring in bigger congregations. Everyone loves a winner.”
    “But…if this recording should prove real, and accurate, it would provide proof of What Comes After,” Stack! said. “And the last thing anyone here wants is hard evidence of that. We derive our power from faith and worship. A true and actual Afterlife Recording could drive a lot of us out of business. Besides, most of Humanity isn’t ready for the truth.”
    I regarded him thoughtfully. “Are you saying you know What Comes Next?”
    Stack! squirmed uncomfortably, which given his rather fluid shape was a somewhat disturbing sight. “Well, no, not as such. I may be from a higher dimension, but not that high.”
    “You have to have faith,” said the Elegant Profundity. “Solid evidence of the true nature of Heaven or Hell would only screw up everyone’s life. It’s one thing to suppose, quite another to know.”
    “This whole situation raises more questions than I’m comfortable with,” I said. “What exactly is the DVD a recording of? Have there always been broadcasts from Heaven and Hell, and we never knew? And who were the broadcasts aimed at?”
    “Each other?” said Bettie. “Maybe they just like to…keep in touch.”
    “But then why has no-one ever intercepted one of these broadcasts before?” I said. “Why should it suddenly turn up on someone’s television set, no matter how much work’s been done to it? And if anyone here so much as mentions moving in a mysterious way, I shall get cranky. Quite seriously and violently cranky.”
    “If there were such communications, on a regular basis, we would know about it,” Dagon said firmly. “It’s our job to provide mysteries and wonder, not grubby little facts.”
    “But what if it is true,” Stack! said wistfully. “Was this interception of the broadcast a mistake, or deliberate? Are we supposed to know, at last? And who or what is behind it; and what could they hope to gain?”
    “Money, probably,” said the Elegant Profundity, and everyone nodded solemnly.
    “Maybe we should all do our own DVDs,” Stack! said. “Can’t risk falling behind…Let’s face it, you can’t have too much publicity.”
    “Sure,” said the Elegant Profundity. “I’ve been releasing CDs on a regular basis ever since I got here. Rock and Roll Heaven won’t build itself, you know.”
    “Yes, yes!” said Bettie Divine. “The Unnatural Inquirer could give away a new DVD every week, with the Sunday edition! Build your own collection!”
    “We don’t want the faithful sitting at home in front of their televisions,” Dagon said firmly. “We want them here, in our Churches.”
    “We already sell religious statues, and reliquaries, and blessed artifacts,” Stack! said reasonably. “DVDs are the future. For now. Does anyone here know about this Extra Definition thing?”
    “New formats are the invention of the Devil,” said the Elegant Profundity. “He’s always been big on temptation. But people would pay through the nose for teachings direct from their God! And even second-hand faith is better than none.”
    “Royalty cheques outweigh collection plates any day,” Stack! said. “I want you all to concentrate on one word: franchise…”
    “Oh, come on!” said Dagon. “Where’s that going to lead, the McChurch? You’ll be talking about bringing in image consultants and focus groups next.”
    “Why not?” Stack! replied. “We have to move with the times. Faith is fine, but wealth lasts longer.”
    “Heretic!” said Dagon, and punched Stack! out with a very unpriestly left hook.
    I took Bettie firmly by the arm, and we hurried away. Believers were coming running from all directions, eager to join the fray, and you really don’t want to get caught in the middle of a religious war on the Street of the Gods. Especially not when the