Not Dead Enough

post-mortem was due to be carried out this afternoon.
    Feeling sick in the pit of her stomach, Sophie stared at the page. She had never seen Katie Bishop’s picture before, had no idea what she looked like. God, the woman was beautiful. Way more attractive than she was – and could ever be. She looked so classy, so happy, so—
    She dropped the newspaper back on the pile, in even more turmoil now. It had always been hard to get Brian to talk about his wife. And at the same time, although one part of her had had a burning curiosity to know everything about the woman, another part had tried to deny she existed. She had never had an affair with a married man before, never wanted to have one – she had always tried to live her life by a simple moral code. Don’t do anything that you wouldn’t want someone to do to you.
    All that had fallen over when she’d met Brian. He had, quite simply, blown her off her feet. Mesmerized her. Although it had started as an innocent friendship. And now, for the first time, she was looking at her rival. And Katie wasn’t the woman she had expected. Not that she had really known what to expect, Brian had never talked about her much. In her mind she had imagined some sour-faced biddy with her hair in a bun. Some ghastly old goat who had lured Brian into a loveless marriage. Not this quite stunning, confident and happy-looking beauty.
    And suddenly she felt totally lost. And wondering what on earth she thought she was doing here. Half-heartedly, she pulled her mobile phone from her handbag – the cheap lemon-coloured canvas bag that she had bought at the start of summer because it was fashionable, but which was now looking embarrassingly grubby. Just like she was, she realized, catching sight of herself, and her grungy work clothes, in a photo-booth mirror.
    She would need to go home and change, and freshen up. Brian liked her to look good. She remembered how disapproving he had seemed on one occasion when she’d been kept working late at the office and had turned up to meet him in a smart restaurant without having changed.
    After some moments of hesitation, she called his number, held the phone to her ear, concentrating fiercely, still unaware of the man in the hoodie who was standing just a few feet from her, apparently browsing through a series of paperback books on a spinner at the kiosk.
    As another tannoy announcement boomed and echoed around her, she glanced up at the massive, four-faced clock with its Roman numerals.
    Four fifty-one.
    ‘Hi,’ Brian said, his voice startling her, answering before she had even heard it ring.
    ‘You poor thing,’ she said. ‘I’m so sorry.’
    ‘Yes.’ His voice was flat, porous. It seemed to absorb her own, like blotting paper.
    There was a long, awkward silence. Finally, she broke it. ‘Where are you?’
    ‘I’m in a hotel. The bloody police won’t let me into my house. They won’t let me into my home. They won’t tell me what’s happened – can you believe it? They say it’s a crime scene and I can’t go in. I—Oh, Jesus, Sophie, what am I going to do?’ He started crying.
    ‘I’m in Brighton,’ she said quietly. ‘I came down early from work.’
    ‘Why?’
    ‘I – I thought – I thought that maybe – I don’t know – I’m sorry – I thought maybe I could do something. You know. To help.’ Her voice tailed off. She stared up at the ornate clock. At a pigeon that suddenly alighted on the top of it.
    ‘I can’t see you,’ he said. ‘It’s not possible.’
    She felt foolish now for even suggesting it. What the hell had been going through her mind?
    ‘No,’ she said, the sudden harshness of his voice hurting her. ‘I understand. I just wanted to say, if there was anything I could do—’
    ‘There isn’t anything. It’s sweet of you to call. I – I have to go and identify her body. I haven’t even told the children yet. I…’
    He fell silent. She waited patiently, trying to understand the kinds of emotions he must be going through, and realizing how very little she really knew about him, and quite what an outsider she was in his life.
    Then, in a choking voice, he said, ‘I’ll call you later, OK?’
    ‘Any time. Absolutely any time, OK?’ she reassured him.
    ‘Thanks,’ he said. ‘I’m sorry – I – I’m sorry.’
    After their conversation, Sophie called Holly, desperate to talk to someone. But all she got was Holly’s latest voicemail greeting, which was even more irritatingly jolly