Nude Men

evening, Lady Henrietta calls and invites me to visit her the next evening. I hesitate.
    “Why are you inviting me?” I ask.
    “Because I want us to remain friends. I don’t want what happened to spoil our friendship. Laura will be there. I’m sure she’d love to see you.”
    I am exasperated. Will this Laura thing never end?
    “Laura and I don’t click,” I say. “She is the dullest person I’ve ever met.”
    “You’re wrong. She’s just shy. Once you get to know her better, she becomes downright interesting. I promised her you’d come over again soon. See her at least once more, and then we’ll drop it.”
    “Will Sara be there?”
    “Yes.”
    “Then I would rather not come.”
    “I think you should see her. I think there are things she wants to tell you.”
    “I’m sure.”
    “It won’t kill you. See her at least once.”
     
    I t’s 10:00 p.m., and Charlotte is still in my apartment, reading peacefully in bed. I confront her.
    “I asked you to be gone by this evening.”
    “I don’t agree,” she says.
    “We’re broken up now. We’re not boyfriend-girlfriend anymore.”
    “I don’t agree that we broke up.”
    I’m too tired to fight her. I’ll wait till she’s in a better mood. I sleep on the couch.
     
    M y mother calls me just as I’m falling asleep.
    “Did you enjoy my lemon woman?” she asks.
    “What are you talking about?”
    “My supermarket lemon woman with the garbage bags?”
    “You’re the one who sent that woman to talk to me?”
    “Correction. I hired her.”
    I feel relieved that I’m not going insane. But I don’t feel the anger she probably expects me to feel. I am indifferent and tired. “What do you want?” I ask.
    “What I want is to know if you enjoyed my lemon woman.”
    “No, but obviously you did.”
    “You’re wrong, Jeremy. This is not a game I’m playing. I’m spending my life savings to hire people to punish you. This is the only way I can help you and save you. You need to be taught a good lesson.”
    “Don’t waste your money on me.”
    “Nevertheless, that is what I will do, which should prove to you how much I love you.”
    “I appreciate the gesture, but really it’s not necessary.”
    “I think it is.”
    “Then do as you wish.”
     
    T he next day, as I’m walking home from work, a man bumps into me in the street. He turns around and says, “I’m sorry.”
    “It’s okay,” I say.
    He starts talking: “I always feel so bad when I bump into people, especially men, because I’m afraid they think it’s a threat, like in the movies. Especially western movies, I think. I often see those movies with my stepdaughter. She’s twelve. So pretty and affectionate, but I could never be sexually attracted to a little girl. No normal man can.”
    And he rushes off. I stop walking and stare at his figure as it disappears behind a corner.
     
    W hen I open the door to my apartment, my phone is ringing. I pick up the receiver.
    “Did you enjoy that one?” asks my mother.
    “Clever. Do you write the scenarios?”
    “Yes.”
    And she starts criticizing me, telling me how horrible what I did in Disney World was, how could a child of hers do this, etc., etc. I say I know, it’s true, it was horrible, unforgivable, I am a monster, etc., etc. And I mean it. We hang up. I smell pee. I look around, but I don’t see anything. Then I see. I am sitting on it. Minou began her third heat by peeing on my couch. I spend the next hour trying to wash it out, first with hand soap, which doesn’t work, then with too much Woolite, which I can’t rinse out afterward. It’s slimy and keeps foaming up.
     
    T hat evening, I go to Lady Henrietta’s place. Laura is not there yet, but Sara is. Her mother leaves us alone.
    Sara speaks first: “I’m afraid that maybe I made a mistake.”
    “I made a mistake too,” I say.
    “No, you didn’t. I did. I put our friendship in danger. Our friendship means more to me than anything, and I would never have tried to... charm you if I thought it would ruin things.”
    “I’m very sorry about what happened,” I tell her. “I’m a weak man, and what I did was very bad.”
    “I’m not sorry. Being with you those times was wonderful.” I stare in silence. She continues: “I understand that you feel embarrassed with me now. I should have thought of that beforehand, but I didn’t. I know you can’t love me the way you would an older woman, so all I ask for is your friendship. We can forget about