Off Sides

defeat. What she is offering is the only sure way to get Ryan out of trouble. Trouble he would not have been in had he never even met me.
    Celia leans forward and her look is coldly masterful. “Let me also make this clear. If you see Ryan or talk to him after the charges are dropped, I will personally see to it that he doesn’t get into the NHL. My husband has enough contacts that can kill any chances of him having this hockey career that he so very much desires.”
    This woman is a monster but I do nothing more than give a small nod of my head in agreement to her demands.
    "Excellent. I expect you to break things off with him immediately."
    She stands from the booth and Emily crawls out behind her. I keep my eyes down on the Formica table until they leave. Then I let the tears flow.
    ***
    Ryan is due at my apartment any minute and I'm trying to compose myself in a way that will make this breakup believable. I've asked Paula to make herself scarce tonight. She wants to know what is going on and I tell her I'll fill her in later. I'm sure her shoulders will be soggy by the time she gets me under control.
    There's a knock at my door and my heart feels shredded already. I probably have less than five minutes left of having Ryan in my life. This is the same pain I felt when I lost my mother and I never thought I would feel this way again.
    I open the door and Ryan steps in. He wraps his arms around me and buries his nose in my hair. I cling to him tightly for a moment and then step away. Staying in his arms any longer could be disastrous for what I need to do.
    Ryan starts jabbering about practice but I'm only catching about every fourth word. I'm too preoccupied with how to launch into my speech.
    "Are you okay, Danny? Have you heard a word I've said?"
    He's looking at me with a soft smile on his face and his head is angled in curiosity.
    "I'm sorry. What did you say?"
    "I said the school is letting me stay on the team until we have resolution on the criminal charges. Even better, the entire team voted to have me remain as Captain. They're really rallying around us."
    He takes me in his arms again and kisses me. His enthusiasm is infectious and I let it sweep me away for a few minutes. I want to have more memories of him so I will take these kisses as payment for the evil job I’m getting ready to do.
    My body is eagerly responding to Ryan and I know if I don't back away, we are going to end up in bed together. And I most certainly cannot let that happen. There's no way I'll survive a goodbye fuck with the man I love.
    I step back from Ryan and walk over to the couch.
    "Ry...can we talk for a few minutes?"
    I'm wringing my hands as I take a seat and the look on Ryan's face is cautious. He sits beside me and leans back, placing one arm on the back of the couch. I turn sideways so I can look him in the face.
    I owe it to him to look him in the face when I break his heart.
    Ryan skims my hair with gentle fingertips and tucks it behind my ear. I relish his touch. "What's wrong, baby? You're starting to worry me."
    I reach out and grasp his hand and squeeze it tightly in mine. The tears pool in my eyes and I take a steadying breath.
    "Ryan...I can't see you anymore." I look at him and I can tell he doesn't comprehend. "I can't be with you anymore. I want to break up."
    Ryan pushes forward on the couch and frames my face with his hands so I'm focused on him. "Tell me this is a joke."
    I shake my head, lowering my eyes. I can’t stand the sorrow on his face. "It's not."
    "Why?" he demands.
    I start crying in earnest. How do I say words that aren't true but are guaranteed to slice deeply into his heart?
    "I can't handle any of this..." I say vaguely.
    "You'll have to be more specific, Danny," he grits out.
    Ryan's face is awash in anger and disbelief. My stomach is rolling and my head is pounding. He's going to make me irrevocably hurt him.
    I stand up and straighten my spine. I dash my tears away and look at him with as much disgust as I can muster. "You bring too much misery and chaos to my life, Ryan. Your parents hate me. Your friends think I'm a whore.”
    “But we’ve talked about this. We’re handling those things together. I don’t believe those things are driving you away from me.”
    I have to make the final push so he believes me. My soul dies over my next words. “For God’s sake, Ryan...I almost got raped because of some pissing contest you had with your teammate. It’s your fault.”
    Ryan’s face