On an Edge of Glass

moments I forget and everything is perfect.  But, here’s a sad fact: perfect isn’t meant to be.  When you aim for perfect, you just wind up ruined.  I’m learning that the hard way.  I had all sorts of perfect plans, but look how they turned out.
    There’s goodbye on my lips.  My mouth slows and I feel Ben stiffen and pull away.  He rests his face against my cheek.  His voice is resigned, like he knows my secret thoughts.  “Why?” 
    I shake my head.   Tears are burning my eyes.  “It doesn’t matter anymore Ben.  This whole thing isn’t going to work out.  Not in the long run.  We’re going to wind up wanting different things from life and hurting each other even more.”  I swallow a sob and let the words continue to tumble from my lips.  They feel like lies, but I can’t seem to stop them.  “It’s better if we end this before it can blow up in our faces.  Right now we don’t even know each other’s middle names.  If we go further down this road, we’ll end up tearing each other apart.  This way is safer.”
    H e jerks back and his expression is anguished.  It’s strange how this day started out with so much possibility.  I think about the goodbye kiss on the cheek that Ben gave me this morning before he left for his last exam, and how I pinched his butt as he walked away from my bed.  How did we end up fighting on a dark street outside a bar? 
    “ Safer?  Why are you saying that?”  His voice is laced with accusation.  “Why can’t you give us a real chance instead of assuming that we’re doomed before we start?  You act like what’s between us is a piece of shit.  It’s not.”
    I place my hands on top of his and hold his eyes with mine.  “I know that.”
    “ Jesus Ellie.  You won’t even tell your friends that you’re with me.  When I bring it up, you act like I’ve asked you to get my name tattooed over your heart or something.  It’s like you’re embarrassed of me.  Why is that?  Is it because I’m not some perfect boyfriend who’s got country club parents and a five-year plan that’s carved in stone?”  He steps away from me and I shiver. 
    I shake my head.  “It’s not like that, Ben.  You know that it’s not.”
    “Then what is it like?  Because it feels like you’re ripping my fucking heart out of my chest.”
    I taste the salt of my tears.  “Ben, please…”
    “Please what?”  When I don’t respond, he keeps going.  “I need you to know that Lily and I are nothing to each other anymore.  She and I are over and done with and it has nothing to do with what’s going on between you and me.  And our engagement?  That was a mistake.  I’ve never felt…” He glances away from me.   “Ellie, I swear that I was telling her goodbye again and she was sad so I hugged her, but if you think that it was more than that you don’t understand. How could I…”
    There’s something like sincerity in his voice, but I’m pissed and sad and drunk, and everything from this day is crammed up inside of me to the point where I’m afraid that I’m going to explode.  I don’t want to hear anymore.  I tell him so. 
    With his back angled to me, h e takes three steps away.  He’s standing in front of a large acrylic sign that displays the city bus schedule.  Before I realize what he’s planning to do, he cocks his arm back and punches the sign so hard that a large dent appears in the center.
    “Fu uuuuuck!”
    “Ben, no!”  I gasp and grab for his curled hand but he pulls it away and cradles it against his chest. 
    He shakes his head and glances over my shoulder.  When I turn to see what’s caught his eye, I see Mark standing in the distance, under a street light, watching us apprehensively.
    “You know what the worst part is?”  Ben whispers.  “I knew that afternoon in the coffee shop.  I knew it.  Somehow, I knew that even though I was already broken, you would find a way to grind me down into nothing.  That’s why I didn’t come over and talk to you, Ellie.  I wanted to.  Damn, I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to meet someone so badly before, but I just knew.  And after everything that happened with Lily and Drew, I didn’t think I could handle it.”  His eyes close and a pained frown pinches his forehead.  “And then fate steps in and makes the two of us roommates and… well, I guess that you know the rest.”
    “Ben…  I-I don’t know what to say.”  I reach for him, wanting to