On an Edge of Glass

it’s like all of these feelings are rushing at me all at once.  Hot tears sting the backs of my eyes.  And, I’m angry—inexplicably angry—with myself, and Columbia, and my parents, and my friends, and Ben.  I want to gather up all of the wasted hours of studying and the anxiety and the years of planning, and drop-kick them down an elevator shaft.
    My head thumps against the mattress.  “God, Payton!  It’s not so fucking simple.  The scores are averaged and I don’t have time to retake it and get my complete application sent in by the deadline.  I had one chance!  Exactly one chance and I ruined it.”
    She doesn’t say anyt hing.  She takes my hand and just lets me cry on her bed.  Maybe she understands as well as I do that there’s nothing left to be done.   
     
     
     
    Somehow, I am dressed and out the door at nine.  The green dress that Payton forced on me is swaying around my thighs.  I’m wearing borrowed jewelry.  My hair is brushed out and curled into soft waves courtesy of Ainsley. 
    Mark keeps a tight h old of my arm as we walk toward the brick building off Cedar Avenue.  Payton and Ainsley called him awhile ago and he showed up at the house holding a bottle of vodka in one hand and a box of chocolate cookies in the other.  I enjoyed them both immensely.
                  My head is fuzzy and light.  I haven’t eaten anything but the cookies, and my stomach is making rumbling, jerking sounds. 
    I laugh stupidly at something Mark says as I hand over my ID to the stoic guy parked in front of the club door.  He checks our names off a list that he’s got on a clipboard and we funnel inside, trying not to step over each other’s feet as we go.  Ainsley looks at me with something that I sort of hate—empathy or pity or something close to that.  She leans in and speaks to Mark but it’s too low for me to hear.
                  I push away from both of them and head to the bar. There’s a guy there in low-hanging jeans and a tight shirt.  He’s leering at me like he might try to eat me.  I flip my hair aside and let him get an eyeful as I wait for the bartender to bring over my drink.  Maybe it’s the alcohol pumping through my blood or the dress that’s making me feel this way—bold and sexy.  I have to hand it to Payton because she was right my clothing.  The dress works and I can’t wait for Ben to see me in it.  He’s here somewhere—probably getting ready to go on stage. 
                  I turn, searching the place.  Everything is starting to spin.  It’s a feeling that’s all sharp edges and burning.  I take another giant swig of my drink. 
                  “Damn girl,” Payton says as she sashays to my side.  “I said to have a vodka and cranberry and try to relax a bit.  I didn’t say to toss back a kiddie pool of the stuff the minute you get in the door.” 
                  I giggle and hug her sloppily.  When my mouth is close to her ear I ask, “Have you seen Ben?”
                  She pulls back and her dark-lined hazel eyes reach into mine.  “Not since this morning, but I’d take a guess that he’s in the back getting ready.” 
                  “Oh.”  I make out the door just to the right of the stage that she glances to.
                  “Look, Ainsley and I know that something is going on,” she says. 
                  “What are you talking about?”
                  Payton rolls her eyes and shakes her head.  “Now isn’t the time to get into this.  Not when you’re like this, but we know that you aren’t being honest with us, and it’s okay, babe.  It’s okay.”
                  Her words swish around my head.  Does she mean that she knows about Ben and me?  I scrunch up my nose and Payton laughs. 
                  “We’ll talk later.”  She squeezes my arm and makes me promise to wait exactly where I am while she goes to find Mark and Ainsley.  And then she is gone and I am left standing in the middle of all these people feeling like raw electricity.  I down the last of my drink, letting the ice hit my hot lips.  Despite what I told Payton, I decide to go get another drink from the bar.
                  An arm stops me.  A voice follows.  “Hey there.”
                  I look up and it’s Drew, all striking blue eyes and