On an Edge of Glass

double life?  Symphony by day and Accidental Sweet Tea by night?”
    Ben shrugs his shoulders. “At least until we figure things out or get some sort of deal that can pay the bills.  If that never happens, then I’m still okay.”
    “What about Mia?”  I blurt out.
    Ben pauses, a sweet potato fry perched between his fingers.  “What about Mia?”
    “I don’t know.  I guess I’m wondering if she’ll be going with you wherever you end up after graduation.”  I’m flustered, shaking my head and moving my hands too much in an attempt to distract from the prickling jealousy in my voice.  
    Ben is watching me.   He picks up his glass slowly. “Mia was helping out for awhile because Connor was dealing with some stuff at home, but she’s not a regular band member.  Plus, she still has another year of school before she graduates so…”
    “ Oh.  I’m sure that she’ll miss you.”
    God, I am so obtuse .  I can’t believe that I just said that. 
    “Ellie,” Ben says in a tone that forces me to look up at him.  “Mia and I—”  He drops his voice.  “Mia is a lesbian.  You didn’t think that we were involved or anything like that—did you?”
    I automatically shake my head, my heart beating spasmodically.  A lesbian ?  How in the hell did I miss that? 
    “ Oh, right.  I knew that,” I say even though I’m pretty sure that it’s clear that I didn’t know that.
    “How about you?”  He asks gently.
    I look him directly in the eye. 
    “Me?”  My mouth goes slack.  Is he being serious?  “I-I’m not a lesbian.”
    Ben’s laugh is raucous.  T he couple at the table next to us looks over.  From the hostess station, Amy, our flirty waitress flashes me a dirty look. 
    “ No,” he says, catching his breath.  “I meant… what about that guy you were seeing?”
    My brain spins.  Does he mean Evan?  How in the world does he even know about my date with Evan?
    “I overheard Payton and Ainsley talking.  They said that you had a date with a guy from one of your classes.  Some political science major,” he qualifies when I don’t answer right away. 
    I think about how there are so many parts to this story between Ben and me.  How words and mistakes have made everything between us so muddled. 
    “That was nothing,” I say, moving forward through t he murkiness.  “It was just one date.  And, it didn’t end well.  I’m not going to go out with him again.”
    Ben’s f ace breaks into a relaxed smile.  I get the sense that my answer mattered to him.   
    I don’t know how to describe what happens next.  How everything change s.  The music gets louder.  The sun seems brighter.  The air thins out, making it easier to breathe.
    After lunch, we explore t he rest of downtown Asheville.  We duck into used bookstores and small gift shops that sell handmade soap and vinyl records and crocheted scarves. 
    I lean in while Ben points things out to me , his breath coming out in warm clouds.   I don’t mean to let my thoughts get away from me, but they do.
    We pause at a corner where the sidewalk slopes down and wait for the light to change.  The sun is behind us, casting long shadows of our bodies that extend from our feet out into the asphalt street. 
    “I feel better,” I say, knowing that Ben will understand what I mean. 
    His gaze on me is unbreakable.  “Me too.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
    Ashes! Ashes! We All Fall Down
     
     
    Beyond the window of the car, the shadowy mountains cut a jagged black line against the dark sky. 
                  “Time’s running out.”  Ben prompts.
                  “I have to think about this one!” I whine.
                  We’re back to playing the guess-which-song game.  Once again, I am losing.  No surprise here.
                  “Led Zeppelin?” I ask cautiously.
                  Ben opens his mouth and flicks a baffled look at me. “I can’t believe you just said that.  This isn’t Led Zeppelin.  This is Rolling Stones, Ellie. Rolling. Stones.”
                  “And?”
    His eyes widen.  “How do you not know that this is a Stones song?”
    “ Honestly, I think that I should be praised for at least guessing a band from the same time period.”  I smile in amusement.  “I told you the first time that we played that I would be terrible at this.  You forced me to play again and now I’ve lost twice to