One Last Thing Before I Go

love, she knows, that’s been bent and twisted beyond repair. We don’t stop loving people just because we hate them, but we don’t stop hating them either. It’s just that, ever since he developed this condition, Silver seemed to become more and more the man he was when she first fell for him, the man he still is in her saddest dreams: honest, impulsive, childishly sincere, romantic. The way he spoke to her and Casey that day in her bedroom, the way he reached for her, the way he told her she was beautiful, the way he looks at Casey. He is her Silver again, and even though she knows all of these behaviors are the result of microscopic blood clots and ministrokes, she can’t help but be drawn to him again.
    She thinks about his aorta, disintegrating inside of him, ready to come apart at a moment’s notice. He will either die very shortly or he’ll have the surgery and most likely go back to being the self-defeating, disengaged asshole he’s been for the last eight years. Either way, there’s no version in which tonight’s insane indiscretion will ever amount to anything. She knows that for certain, just as she knows that she will grieve him all over again in either scenario.
    She is so lost in these thoughts that it takes her a moment to realize that his eyes have been open for the last little while, and he’s been gazing up at her.
    “Hey,” he says drowsily.
    “Hey.”
    “You’re still here.”
    She smiles. The man really takes nothing for granted. “So it would seem.”
    They look at each other for a moment. There is no time more painfully awkward than the shaky moments after sex that should not have been had.
    “What are you thinking?” Denise says.
    “I’m thinking that that felt better than anything I can remember,” he says. “And I’d like to do it again.”
    She smiles. “Well, if once was a mistake, twice would be criminal. Besides, I think my twofer days are over.”
    “You love Rich,” he says.
    She bristles momentarily at the statement. “Why would you bring him up like that right now?”
    Silver shrugs. He meant no harm. “We just had sex, so you must be thinking of him.”
    She’s forgotten how disconcerting his new frankness can be.
    “Well, I’m not. I’m thinking of you, actually. Do you really want to die?”
    He sighs and looks away. “I really don’t like talking about that.”
    “Tough shit. You had the sex, you’re going to have to suffer through the pillow talk.”
    He smiles at her, his expression so loving that she has to quell the sudden urge to throw herself into his arms.
    “I want to have sex again,” he says.
    “That’s not going to happen.”
    “For sure?”
    “For sure.”
    He ponders that sadly for a moment, then seems to accept it.
    “Silver.”
    “Yes.”
    “You’re just getting to know Casey again. She needs you. You cannot check out on us again.”
    “I know.”
    “I mean, I don’t know who got her pregnant, but the fact that she won’t tell us means she’s probably not seriously considering—”
    “Jeremy,” he says.
    Denise falls silent and looks at him. “What?”
    “Jeremy Lockwood. She had sex with him.”
    Denise feels her breath catching in her throat, feels a surge of anger rising up inside of her. “She told you that?”
    “We saw him at Dagmar’s and I kind of guessed it. He used to do those magic tricks, remember? He would wear this cape and—”
    “Silver!” Denise shouts. “Focus, please. Are you sure about this? Did you talk about it with Casey?”
    “Yes,” Silver says. “She said it was lovely.”
    “And you’ve known this all along.”
    “For a while, yes.”
    “And you didn’t think that was something we should talk about?”
    Silver considers the question and shrugs. “We don’t really talk so much.”
    Denise gets out of bed and starts to pull on her clothing. “You’re un-fucking-believable!”
    “Why are you angry?”
    “I’m not angry. I’m upset. My daughter is pregnant.”
    “She was pregnant before you knew about Jeremy.”
    “That little shit.”
    She pulls her bra on and fumbles for the clasps. Silver is sorry to see her breasts disappear.
    “I think you should calm down. Come back to bed.”
    “Sure. Let’s fuck again. That will fix everything.”
    “You need to relax, Denise.”
    “And you need to get dressed.”
    “What for?” he says. But, of course, he already knows.

CHAPTER 36
    T hey intersect in the front hallway, Silver and Denise coming through the front