One (One Universe)

something off with them. Something big. That’s because I know Elias. He’s about to lose his mind.
    “Let’s get out of here. You and me.”
    “Okay, yeah,” I say, smiling at him a little, rubbing his back. “We can hang out at my house, watch a movie, raid the junk food cabinet…”
    “No,” he says, and there’s a determined sort of glare in his eyes. “Let’s get out of town. You pack a bag, we’ll stuff everything in my car, we’ll leave tonight. No. In the next hour.”
    I laugh a little, but when I look at him, I know — he’s not joking. And he’s terrified. And looking at him, like this, knowing what I do, I’m starting to feel the same way.
    The car zooms through the unchanging Nebraska landscape, frost glittering against the deep blue-gray night where the fields meet the horizon. I move my hand to grab Elias’s, like I normally would do while we drive, but his both hands grip the steering wheel, knuckles white.
    “Elias,” I say, but it’s so soft I’m not even sure he can hear me.
    He speeds up. I don’t know what to say, so I wait till he pulls up in my driveway. He parks and sits there, still gripping the wheel, staring out through the windshield.
    Then he starts to cry.
    I’ve cried in front of Elias, but he’s never cried in front of me. Come to think of it, I’ve never seen any guy cry. I don’t really know what to do. I sort of reach my arm out and put it around his shoulders, and with him hunched over the steering wheel like that, he looks so huge and my arm looks so slight and insignificant across his back.
    He sits up, kind of slams the steering wheel with both hands, and looks over at me. He sniffles once.
    “I’m sorry,” he says, staring back out the windshield.
    “Hey,” I say. “No, Elias. It’s…it’s your sisters, I know.”
    “I have a really bad feeling about this. About the Symposium, about the Hub, and yeah, Nora and Lia. I just want you to trust me, Mer. Okay? I need you to. You trusted Hoffman. Trust me.”
    I wince. “What do you know about him?”
    Elias clenches and relaxes his jaw over and over for a couple long seconds. “I’m worried.”
    I rub his back, plant a light kiss on his temple, and lean my forehead there. “Elias. I’ve known Mr. Hoffman for a long time. He was only trying to help me get that internship. That’s all.” I try to keep my voice steady even as my stomach twists.
    A defeated look crosses his face, and I wonder what he knows. Wonder if he wants to leave because he’s worried about me or because he’s worried about himself and doesn’t want to be alone. Wonder if he’s remembering that all I’ve ever wanted to do is work at the Hub, and now I have the chance, and…
    “I’m not trying to freak you out, okay?” His voice shakes. “Look. I’m back at the Symposium for the wrap-up the rest of tonight. Probably they want to look at me some more, too. Meet me back here tomorrow morning, okay? We’ll eat some breakfast, go for a walk, we’ll figure this out. But, Mer.” He leans forward, takes my face in his huge hands. “I’m worried. About you, about me… I can’t say why. I don’t even really know myself. You just have to trust me right now, okay? Yes, it’s about my sisters, but…it’s about us, too. Okay? Promise me we can talk about this again tomorrow. Promise me you’ll think about it.”
    He puts his forehead to mine, whispers, “Please.” And his hands start to shake. “I…I care about you.”
    “Me too, Elias. Me too.” I want to invite him in, want to let him curl up into a ball next to me and hold him until he stops hurting, until the knot in my stomach eases. I think I understand. Think I do. I don’t know what I would do if I saw Max and Michael and they weren’t…well…Max and Michael. But my parents will be home soon, and they wouldn’t understand. He might not understand if I asked him, and I’m sure he still has his curfew, especially on a Symposium night.
    “Elias, I…” I want to tell him, but right before I do, right before I say the words, I understand — no matter how much I love him, it’s not going to fix this because it doesn’t have anything to do with this. “I will. I will.”
    I lean in to kiss him, closing my eyes, lingering there for a moment. For the first time between us, it feels less like a promise and more like a goodbye.

NINETEEN
    I expect to see the boys hanging out in the living room, and I think how much good ruffing their hair and