Pictures of Lily

resting his elbows on the railings and I let go with my hands and do the same. Our arms knock together, but neither of us moves. I can feel the warmth of him radiating through my jumper. We should really go inside like everyone else around us, but my feet are stuck to the spot. Finally it’s just Ben and me standing there in the wind.
    ‘I want to ask you if you’re cold,’ he says, ‘but it’s at the risk of sounding boring.’
    ‘I like it out here.’
    He gestures at the empty bench behind us. ‘It’ll be more sheltered against the wall.’
    ‘Okay.’ I take a seat next to him. Instinctively he wraps his arm around me and rests his chin on the top of my head. I put my hand on his chest and snuggle up against him. It feels very comfortable, very natural.
    The journey passes by quickly, even though neither of us speaks the rest of way. All too soon the ferry begins to slow. Ben relaxes his grip on me and I pull away and look up at him. Our eyes lock together. He’s so close I could move my face two inches and my lips would be touching his.
    A burst of laughter jolts me to my senses. A group of girls and guys in their twenties storm the railings, and shock slams into me as I recognise one of the girls. She’s a friend of Nathan’s. I quickly get to my feet as the ferry churns up a storm in the water. We’re pulling into the terminal and the tipsy revellers start to make their way to the side of the boat. Ben stays seated.
    ‘I’d better go,’ I say shiftily. ‘Are you going straight back to Circular Quay?’ He nods. ‘Sorry, what a trek.’ He’ll have to catch another ferry back to Cremorne Point.
    ‘It’s fine,’ he brushes me off.
    ‘I’ll see you Monday?’
    ‘Sure,’ he replies. ‘You want to give me a call and we’ll make plans?’
    ‘Yes, okay.’ I back away from him, meeting his eyes for a final fleeting moment. I’m unable to read his expression. ‘Bye,’ I mutter. And then I turn and hurry off the boat.
    What the fuck am I doing? That was one of Nathan’s friends! Anyone could have seen me! Who else was on this ferry that I know?
    The house is quiet when I get home. Quiet and dark. But my head is buzzing. I turn my key in the lock and push open the front door, flicking on the switch to light the hall. I drop my bag on the floor and walk into the living room, turning on lights as I go. I stand there for a moment, not knowing what to do with myself. I should go to bed.
    I spin around and walk out of the room, switching off the lights again. In the bedroom I sit on the end of the bed. The wardrobe door is open and my eyes wander to Richard’s clothes hanging there. I turn and look at his bedside table and guilt overcomes me as my gaze falls on the picture sitting there of the two of us.
    You’re engaged! You’re engaged to be married! To Richard! Richard !
    Nothing feels real. I’m detached from reality. I get up mechanically and go into the bathroom. The mirror greets me and I stare at my reflection for a while, not liking what I see. Reaching forward, I open the bathroom cabinet so the mirror swings away from me. I’m left staring at my toiletries on the shelves, and all of Richard’s things – his toothbrush, his razor, his shaving foam. I lift up his aftershave bottle and put the nozzle to my nose, breathing in his scent.
    And then reality hits. Sobs engulf me and I sink down onto the bathroom floor as grief pours out of my soul. I love my boyfriend. He’s never done anything to hurt me. He’s always been there for me. He’s never left me.
    But Ben – oh, Ben . . . I remember the warmth of his body and his arm around me. His lips so close to mine. My tears come to a standstill and I stare ahead in a daze.
    This isn’t fair. I love them both.
    Somewhere deep inside me the chasm that cracked and broke open when Ben left splits even further apart. I can’t lose Ben again. But I don’t want to lose Richard, either.
    Nathan, Lucy, Sam, Molly, Mikey . . . I would lose them all, too. I would even miss Richard’s sisters, and what would his parents think of me? I can’t bear it.
    You don’t have to decide anything right now.
    It’s true, I don’t. Ben might not turn out to be the person I think he is. I’ve built him up so much over the years that he’s almost not real to me.
    I stand up, full of resolution. I need to see him again – of course I do. I can’t decide now how I want to spend the rest of my life. Ben’s an uncertainty. This whole thing with