Public Secrets

playbacks. She didn’t know the meaning of the technical terms being tossed back and forth—didn’t need to. She amused herself when they huddled together, or was amused by them when they took a moment to tease her. She ate gobs of greasy chips and bloated her belly with Cokes.
During a break she sat on P.M.’s lap and bashed away at the drums. She said her name into one of the mikes and heard her voice echo through the room. With a spare drumstick in her hand, she dozed in the swivel chair, her head pillowed on the faithful Charlie. And she awoke to her father’s voice, soaring in a ballad of tragic love.
Spellbound she watched, rubbing the sleep from her eyes and yawning into Charlie’s fur. Her heart was too young to be touched by the lyrics. But the sound reached her. She would never hear the song again without remembering the moment when she’d awakened to hear his voice filling her head. Filling the world.
When he had finished, she forgot that she was supposed to be quiet. Bouncing on the chair, she clapped her hands together. “Da!”

In the engineering booth, Pete swore, but Brian held up a hand. “Leave that on.” With a laugh, he turned to Emma. “Leave it on,” he repeated as he held out his arms to her. When she reached them, he tossed her into the air. “What do you think, Emma? I’ve just made you a star.”

Chapter Seven

I F BRIAN’S FAITH in man had been shaken in 1968 with the assassination of Martin Luther King, then Robert Kennedy, it was expanded during the summer of 1969 with Woodstock. It was a celebration for him of youth and music, of love and brotherhood. It symbolized the chance to turn around the year of bloodshed and war, of riots and discontent. He knew, as he stood onstage and looked out at the sea of bodies, that he would never do anything so huge or so memorable again.
Even as it thrilled him to be there, to leave his mark, it left him by turns depressed and terrified that the decade, and its spirit, were ending.
He rushed through his three days in upstate New York at a fever pitch of emotional and creative energy, fueled by the atmosphere, heightened by the drugs that were as handy as popcorn at a Saturday matinee, and pushed by his own fears about where success had taken him. He spent an entire night alone in the trailer the band used, composing for a marathon fourteen-hour stint while cocaine stormed through his system. On one illuminating afternoon he sat in the woods with Stevie, listening to the music and the cheers of four hundred thousand. With the help of LSD he saw whole universes created in a maple leaf.

Brian embraced Woodstock, the concept of it, the reality of it. His only regret was that nothing he had said had persuaded Bev to come with them. She was, once again, waiting for him. This time she waited in the house they had bought in the Hollywood hills. Brian’s love affair with America was just beginning, and his second American tour felt like a homecoming. It was the year of the rock festival, a phenomenon Brian saw as demonstrating the strength of rock culture.
He wanted, needed, to recapture that towering high of excitement when success had been new, when the band, the unit of them, had been like one electric force smashing through the world of music and public recognition. Over the past year, he had sensed that electricity, that unity, slipping away like the sixties themselves. He’d felt it forge again at Woodstock.
When they boarded the plane, leaving the faithful at Woodstock behind, Brian fell into an exhausted sleep. Beside him, Stevie carelessly popped a couple of barbiturates and zoned out. Johnno settled back to play poker with some of the road crew. Only P.M. sat restlessly by the window.
He wanted to remember everything. It annoyed him that unlike Brian, he saw beneath the symbolism and statement of the festival to the miserable conditions. The mud, the garbage, the lack of proper sanitary facilities. The music, good Christ, the music had been wonderful, almost unbearably so, but often, too often, he’d felt the audience had been too blissed out to notice.
Still, even someone as pragmatic and simple as P.M. had felt the sense of commitment and unity. Of peace—a peaceful trio of days with four hundred thousand living as family. But there had also been dirt, prolific and heedless sex, and a careless abundance of drugs.
Drugs frightened him. He couldn’t admit it, not even to the men he considered his brothers. Drugs made him sick or