River’s End

within an hour of the hike back. He woke up happy, listened to the drumming and said it was a sign from God that they should stay in the tent and make crazy love.
    Since he rolled on top of her and initiated a sexy little wrestling match, she couldn’t come up with a logical argument against the plan. And for the first time in her life laughed during sex.
    Then just when she’d convinced herself that good sex shouldn’t be a barometer of her emotions, he nuzzled her neck, told her to stay put and that he’d see to the coffee.
    She snuggled into the warm cocoon of the tent and wallowed in the afterglow of lovemaking. She hadn’t let herself be pampered since childhood. She had taught herself to believe that if she didn’t take care of herself, see to details personally and move consistently forward in the direction she’d mapped out, she would be handing control of her life over to someone else.
    As her mother had done. And yes, she thought closing her eyes, perhaps even as her father had done. Love was a weakness, or a weapon, and she’d convinced herself that she’d never permit herself to feel it for anyone beyond family. Didn’t she have both potentials inside her? The one to surrender to it completely, and the one to use it violently? How could she risk turning that last key in that last lock and open herself to what she already knew she had inside her for Noah?
    Then he nudged his way back into the tent, two steaming cups in his hand. His sun-streaked hair was damp with rain, his feet bare and the jeans he’d tugged on unbuttoned. The wave of love swamped her, closed over heart and head.
    “I think I saw a shrew.” He passed her the coffee and settled down with his own. “Don’t know if it was a wandering or a dusky, but I’m pretty sure it was a shrew.”
    “The wandering’s found more often in the lowlands,” she heard herself say. “At this altitude it was probably a dusky.”
    “Whichever, it looked mostly like a mouse and was rooting around, for breakfast, I guess.”
    “They eat constantly, rarely go over three hours without a meal. Very like some city boys I know.”
    “I haven’t even mentioned breakfast.” He fortified himself with coffee. “I thought about it, but I haven’t mentioned it. The weather’s going to get better.” She merely lifted an eyebrow and glanced up toward the roof of the tent and the steady tapping of rain. “An hour, tops. And it’ll clear,” he insisted. “If I’m right, you cook breakfast in the sunshine. If I’m wrong, I do it in the rain.”
    “Deal.”
    “So, how about a date when we get back?”
    “Excuse me?”
    “A date, you know. Dinner, a movie, making out in my rental car.”
    “I thought you’d be heading back to L.A. soon.”
    “I can work anywhere. You’re here.”
    It was so simple for him. she realized. “I keep trying to take a step back from you. You keep moving forward.”
    He smoothed her tousled hair with his fingers. “Is that a problem for you’.’“
    “Yes, but not as much as I thought it would be. Not as much as it should be.” She took a breath, braced herself. “I care about you. It’s not easy for me. I’m no good at this.”
    He leaned forward, pressed his lips to her forehead and said, “Practice.”
    While Noah and Olivia were inside the tent in the rain-splattered forest, Sam Tanner looked out the window of the rented cabin and into the gloom.
    He’d never understood what had drawn Julie to this place, with its rains and chill, its thick forests and solitude. She’d been made for the light, he thought. Spotlights, the elegant shimmer of chandeliers, the hot white flash of exotic beaches. But she’d always been pulled back here by some invisible tie. He realized now that he’d done his best to break that tie. He’d made excuses not to go with her, or he’d juggled their demands to prevent her from going alone. They’d only made the trip twice after Olivia was born.
    He’d ignored Julie’s need for home because he hadn’t wanted anyone or anything to be more important to her than he was.
    Before they could slide away from him, he picked up the mini-recorder he’d bought and put those thoughts on tape. He intended to speak with Noah again, but wasn’t sure how much more time he had. The headaches were raging down on him like a freight train and with terrifying regularity now.
    He suspected the doctors had overestimated his time, and the tapes were his backup.
    Whatever happened, whenever