Runaway

Lauren?”
    Harry said, “Well certainly.”
    “Harry could not stand the idea of another baby,” said Eileen, looking down at her hands in her lap under the tabletop. “He couldn’t stand the idea of all the domestic chaos. He had his writing to do. He wanted to achieve things, so he couldn’t have chaos. He wanted me to have an abortion and I said I would and then I said I wouldn’t and then I said I would, but I couldn’t do it and we had a fight and I got the baby and got in the car, I was going to go to some friends’ place. I wasn’t speeding and I certainly was not drunk. It was just the bad light on the road and the bad weather.”
    “Also the way the carry-cot was not fastened in,” said Harry.
    “But let that go,” he said. “I was not insisting on an abortion. I might have mentioned getting an abortion, but there was no way I would have made you. I didn’t talk about that to Lauren because it would be upsetting for her to hear. It’s bound to be upsetting.”
    “Yes, but it’s true,” Eileen said. “Lauren can take it, she knows it wasn’t like it was
her.
”
    Lauren spoke up, surprising herself.
    “It was me,” she said. “Who was it if it wasn’t me?”
    “Yes, but I wasn’t the one wanted to do it,” Eileen said.
    “You didn’t altogether
not
want to do it,” said Harry.
    Lauren said, “Stop.”
    “This is just what we promised we would not do,” said Harry. “Isn’t this what we promised we would not do? And we should apologize to Delphine.”
    Delphine had not looked up at anybody while this talk was going on. She had not pulled her chair up to the table. She didn’t seem to notice when Harry said her name. It wasn’t just defeat that kept her still. It was a weight of obstinacy, even disgust, that Harry and Eileen couldn’t notice.
    “I talked to Delphine this afternoon, Lauren. I told her about the baby. It was her baby. I never told you the baby was adopted because it made everything seem worse—that we adopted that baby, and then the way we screwed up. Five years trying, we never thought we’d get pregnant, so we adopted. But Delphine was its mother in the first place. We called it Lauren and then we called you Lauren—I guess because it was our favorite name and also it gave us a feeling we were starting over. And Delphine wanted to know about her baby and she found out we had taken it and naturally she made the mistake of thinking it was you. She came here to find you. It’s all very sad. When I told her the truth she very understandably wanted proof, so I told her to come here tonight and I showed her the documents. She never wanted to steal you away or anything like that, just to make friends with you. She was just lonely and confused.”
    Delphine yanked down the zipper of her jacket as if she wanted to get more air.
    “And I told her we still had—that we never got around to or it never seemed the right time to—” He waved at the cardboard box that was sitting right out on the counter. “So I showed her that too.
    “So tonight as a family,” he said, “tonight while everything is all wide-open, we are going to go out and do this. And get rid of all this—misery and blame. Delphine and Eileen and me, and we want you to come with us—is that all right with you? Are you all right?”
    Lauren said, “I was asleep. I’ve got a cold.”
    “You might as well do as Harry says,” said Eileen.
    Still Delphine never looked up. Harry got the box from the counter and gave it to her. “Maybe you should be the one to carry it,” he said. “Are you all right?”
    “Everybody is all right,” Eileen said. “Let’s just go.”
    Delphine stood there in the snow, holding the box, so Eileen said, “Should I?” and took it respectfully from her. She opened it up and was going to offer it to Harry, then changed her mind and held it out to Delphine. Delphine lifted out a small handful of ashes, but didn’t take the box to pass it on. Eileen took a handful and gave the box to Harry. When he had got some ashes he was going to hand the box on to Lauren, but Eileen said, “No. She doesn’t have to.”
    Lauren had already put her hands in her pockets.
    There wasn’t any wind, so the ashes just fell where Harry and Eileen and Delphine let them drop, into the snow.
    Eileen spoke as if her throat was sore. “Our Father which art in Heaven—”
    Harry said clearly, “This is Lauren, who was our child and whom we all loved—let’s all say it