Scam

problem.”
    “Oh, you got a problem?”
    “Well, now that you mention it.”
    “Don’t piss me off,” MacAullif said. “I’m in too good a mood. You know why I’m in a good mood? I cleared two cases yesterday. I got a lead on a third. Plus, the turn-’em-loose judge scheduled to try the repeat offender I nailed dead to rights just came down with the flu, and the case has been reassigned to a hard-nose jurist who’ll put the creep away. Now, that may not sound like much to you, but frankly I don’t have days like this often. So, you wanna spoil it for me, you’re gonna have to work overtime.”
    “Why would I do a thing like that?”
    “’Cause you’re a total pain in the ass can’t handle the simplest thing without makin’ it worse than it is. Now, you say you got an ethical problem?”
    “In a way.”
    “In what way would that be?”
    “A private detective’s got a duty to his client, right?”
    “Yeah. So?”
    “What if the client isn’t shooting square?”
    MacAullif shrugged. “Most clients are gonna lie. That’s a fact of life. If that was enough to relieve you of your obligations, there wouldn’t be any.”
    “Clients?”
    “Obligations.”
    “Suppose it’s worse than that?”
    “What do you mean?”
    “Suppose the client’s playing you for a sucker?”
    “In your case, that’s no surprise. Though I am surprised that you noticed.”
    “Want to hear the story or not?”
    “The story of how you got duped? Go ahead. Make my day.”
    I gave him the whole spiel from top to bottom, including the phony extortion letter, the topless dancer, and the chain-smoking talent agent.
    As he listened, MacAullif s smile grew broader and broader. By the time I was finished, he was grinning like a zany.
    “I love it,” he said. “I absolutely love it. You’re like one of those hamsters that runs around on a wheel—no matter how fast you go, you never get anyplace.”
    “Thank you. That’s exactly what I was hoping to hear.”
    “So, what’s the punch line? How much are you being paid to do this?”
    “How does fifty bucks an hour sound?”
    “For bein’ a patsy? Barely adequate. How much of it have you actually seen?”
    “Oh, well there …”
    “Oh, well there? I love it. Could you translate that, please?”
    “I got a two hundred buck retainer.”
    “And?”
    “I laid out three hundred in expenses.”
    MacAullif nodded. “Perfect. Just perfect. You should write this up for Detective Monthly. Hell, you might even get the centerfold.”
    “I told you it was a mess, MacAullif.”
    “That you did. And you didn’t lie. Tell me, why are you bringing this to me? Isn’t this the kind of thing you should lay on Rosenberg?”
    “He’s gone home for the day.”
    “Ah, better and better,” MacAullif said. “You’re telling me I wasn’t even your first choice.”
    “You were third.”
    “Third?”
    “My wife’s at a PTA meeting.”
    “I can’t even tell if that’s true or a wisecrack. Listen, just what is it you’re after here?”
    “Like I said, what’s my obligation? I think I’m being used as part of some elaborate scam. Ethically, how am I bound?”
    “Don’t be a jackass. You aren’t bound at all.”
    “Yeah, but do I have a right to take action against the best interests of my own client?”
    “Such as?”
    “Okay. Let’s assume my client set this up. Say he’s the six foot six individual who showed up at the talent agency and arranged to hire this girl.”
    “Which has yet to be proven,” MacAullif pointed out.
    “Yeah, but take it as a premise. My client’s one of three vice-presidents in a company about to elect a new chairman of the board. It’s hotly contested, and there’s a proxy fight going on. My client claims he’s being set up, and hires me to investigate. Lo and behold, I discover someone did hire a girl to try to pick him up in a bar. My client cries foul, drags me to the stockholders meeting, and asks me to tell what I know.”
    “Would that work?”
    “I’m not sure. Frankly, I’m not that sharp at business matters.”
    “No shit.”
    “But the way I understand it, aside from three vice-presidents, the largest stockholder is the granddaughter of the late chairman of the board. She would be at the meeting, and might be influenced by what I had to say.”
    “You mean whoever she votes for is in?”
    “Not necessarily. The holdings aren’t that big. In the end, the proxies will decide it.”
    MacAullif frowned.