Science of Discworld III

Indefinite Studies, ‘hence the term pea-brained.’
    ‘But a pea must be a bloody genius compared to a lump of iron, yes?’ said Ridcully.
    Ponder knew he had to put a stop to this. The wizards were still determined to apply common sense to Roundworld, and that would get them nowhere.
    ‘It’s a force that can occur on globe-shaped worlds,’ he said. ‘It’s caused by the molten iron core spinning, and helps prevent life on the surface being fried by the Sun.’
    ‘Sounds like Deitium in disguise, doesn’t it,’ said Ridcully. ‘Planet gets this big magical umbrella so that life can survive? Shows forethought’
    ‘It doesn’t work quite like that, Archchancellor,’ said Ponder. ‘Life evolved because conditions allowed it to do so.’
    ‘Ah, but if conditions hadn’t been right, there wouldn’t have beenany life,’ said Ridcully. ‘Therefore the whole exercise would have been pointless.’
    ‘Not really, sir. There wouldn’t have been anyone to point out the pointlessness of it,’ said Ponder. ‘I was about to add that some birds, like pigeons, use The Love Of Iron to help them navigate long distances. They have tiny things called “magnets” in their head, says Hex. They’re … little bits of iron that know where the North Pole is …’
    ‘Ah, I know that bit,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. ‘The North and South Poles are those bits on a globe where the spindle comes out. But they’re invisible, of course,’ he added.
    ‘Um,’ said Ponder.
    ‘Just a minute, can we get back to these birds?’ said Ridcully. ‘Birds with magnet heads?’
    ‘Yes?’ said Ponder, knowing that this was going to be loaded.
    ‘How?’ said Ridcully, flourishing a goose leg. ‘On this globe, birds grew out of great big monstrous lizard beasts, isn’t that so?’
    ‘Er … small great monstrous beasts, sir,’ said Ponder, wishing not for the first time that his Archchancellor did not have a knack for remembering inconvenient details.
    ‘Did they have to fly long distances through fog and bad weather?’ said the Archchancellor.
    ‘I doubt it, sir,’ said Ponder.
    ‘So did they already have these magnets in their heads from day one, or did they turn up by some godly hand? What does Mr Darwin of The Origin say about that?’
    ‘Not very much, sir,’ said Ponder. It had been a long day.
    ‘But it suggests, does it not, that The Ology haha, is right and The Origin is wrong. Perhaps the magnets were added when needed?’
    ‘Could be, sir,’ said Ponder. Just don’t let him start on the eyeball, he thought.
    ‘I’ve got a question,’ said Rincewind, from the end of the table.
    ‘Yes?’ said Ponder, quickly.
    ‘There’s going to be monster creatures on these island we’re heading for, yes?’
    ‘How did you know that?’ said Ponder.
    ‘It just came to me,’ said Rincewind gloomily. ‘So there are monsters?’
    ‘Oh, yes. Giants of their kind.’
    ‘With big teeth?’
    ‘No, not really. They’re tortoises.’
    ‘How big?’
    ‘About the size of an easy chair, I think.’
    Rincewind looked suspicious.
    ‘How fast?’
    ‘I don’t know. Not very fast.’
    ‘And that’s it ?’
    ‘From a Darwinian perspective, the islands are famous for their many species of finches.’
    ‘Any of them carnivorous?’
    ‘They eat seeds.’
    ‘So … there’s nothing dangerous where we’re going?’
    ‘No. Anyway, we don’t have to go there. All we have to do now is find the point where he decides to write The Ology instead of The Origin .’
    Rincewind pulled the dish of potatoes towards him.
    ‘Sez you,’ he said.
    +++ I need to communicate grave news +++
    The words came out of the air. In Roundworld, Hex had a voice.
    ‘We’re having a bit of a celebration here,’ said Ridcully. ‘I’m sure your news can wait, Mr Hex!’
    +++ Yes. It can +++
    ‘Good. In that case, Dean would you pass me—’
    +++ I would not wish to spoil your appetite +++ Hex went on.
    ‘Glad to hear it.’
    +++ The destruction of the human race can wait until after the pudding +++.
    Ridcully’s fork hovered between his plate and his mouth. Then he said: ‘Would you care to explain this, please, Mr Stibbons?’
    ‘I can’t, sir. What is happening, Hex? We completed all those tasks properly, didn’t we?’
    +++ Yes. But, pause for significance, have you heard of a mythical creature called a, pause again, hydra? +++
    ‘The monster with many heads?’ said Ponder. ‘You don’t need to tell us