Seriously... I'm Kidding

someone is telling you to feel the burn. At least I hope you’re at the gym.
    Everyone tries to multitask now and do twelve different things at once. I once saw a woman talking on the phone, putting on makeup, reading a newspaper, texting, and Twittering all at the same time. I went right over to her and said, “Hey! You need to focus right now. You are my therapist.”
    I guess what I’m saying is that politeness seems to be lacking in our society nowadays. In the 1950s people were much more polite. They used to say “G’day, ma’am” and “G’day, sir” and “G’day, mate.” I might be thinking of the Australian outback. But still. People were polite. Wally and the Beav were never late for dinner. After Lassie rescued Timmy from the well, Timmy sent Lassie a handwritten thank-you note and a gift certificate to Denny’s. And one of the biggest songs of the decade was called “Don’t Be Cruel.” Another one was “Be-Bop-A-Lula.” (I don’t know if that has anything to do with politeness, I just thought you might want to know.)
    I’m not saying we should return to those times entirely. I mean, most ladies wore girdles and I don’t think we need to revisit that situation. I’m just saying we can all work on our manners. We can say please and thank you. We can be punctual. We can just be nicer to one another. It’s something we have in our power to do. It reminds me of that Margaret Mead quote: “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.” That’s either Margaret Mead or it was my horoscope in last month’s issue of Yarn Today . My point is, be nice and be on time.
    Please.
    Thank you.

Sauna

    O ne of the best things you can do for your mind and body is sweat. That’s why I usually wear undergarments made out of thick memory foam. It’s also why I’m in a sauna right now. It’s going to help me relax, rid my body of toxins, and clear my mind. Out with the old and in with the new!
    It’s very hot in here. I know I’m supposed to be sweating, but I don’t know if I’m supposed to be sweating this much. There are little puddles of moisture collecting in the sleeves of my robe. I should probably take off my robe, but I’m just not that comfortable being naked around strangers. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for most of the women at the spa today. It’s like a nudist colony in here. I’ve never been to a nudist colony, but I imagine this is what they’re like. A lot of naked people bending and stretching like they’re preparing for a race.
    Now my eyes are burning. Not because of the naked people. Well, a little because of the naked people. But mostly because of the heat. It must be about five hundred degrees in here. One time when I was a kid I stuck my head inside an oven because I wanted to get tan. This is much hotter than that. This feels more like the surface of the sun, or the inside of a jalapeño popper.
    Saunas are supposed to be great for your skin. That’s what my facialist’s assistant’s assistant told me. And I just learned on Jeopardy! that the skin is the largest organ in the human body. At first when Alex Trebek said, “This is the largest organ in the human body,” I screamed out, “Leg!” Obviously I was just kidding. Well, I wasn’t kidding but everyone laughed at me as soon as I said it so I pretended I was kidding. Sometimes I do that when I say something wrong and everyone laughs like I’m making a joke. They’re always like, “Oh, Ellen, you’re so funny.” And I’m like, “Yep, gotcha again, you sillies!” And then I try to change the subject to Matt Lauer or something.
    You know, I might be sitting too close to the heater. My eyelashes are sweating. I’m sure if I get some water I’ll be okay. I love the cucumber water that spas have. It’s so refreshing. It’s like a little spa for your mouth. It’s funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice, even though it’s from the exact same source. I love pickles, don’t get me wrong. It’s just that after a massage, I’d much prefer the lighter taste of cucumber water to the saltier taste of pickle juice. Whereas after a long day at the office, I might kick back in front of the TV and enjoy a large glass of pickle juice.
    I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. I would never have a glass of pickle juice. That’s a lie. I think I’m delirious from the heat. The good