Seriously... I'm Kidding

try and take up for me. You were such a bitch! You know what—who do you think you are after all we’ve been through? I don’t even know how you had the nerve to buy my book. I’m assuming you finally got your operation to turn back into a human, probably with the money I made you. Don’t walk away while I’m talking at you. Who’s calling you right now? Was that a text? From your new best friend? I wonder if you ever told her that you were a reptile in your past. I bet she wouldn’t be so quick to drive you to the airport now, knowing all those lies about you. Not so cool anymore, huh?
    I’m sorry I lashed out. You didn’t deserve that. It was just a dream and obviously I’m dealing with some reptilian issues that have nothing to do with you. I’m so glad you bought my book. Please enjoy the rest of the chapters that are probably not about you. You look great as a human, by the way. What kind of moisturizer do you use?

Seriously… I’m Kidding

    O ne of the most challenging parts of writing a book is coming up with the title. You can’t have a book without a title. You can’t. I asked. And it’s very important because the title is the first thing people hear about the book, so you need a good one.
    Seeing as this is my third book, it was even more challenging because I already used up two good titles, My Point… and I Do Have One and The Funny Thing Is … (Why not own the complete set? Available everywhere books are sold.)
    To come up with the title for this book I thought it would be helpful to look over some best-seller lists and see what titles have been successful in the past. Based on that, at first I thought about calling my book either Eat, Pray, Love 2 or Harry Potter and the Lord of the Twilight Trilogy or The Joy of Sex Part 2: Additional Joys . Unfortunately, my lawyer said I wasn’t allowed to use any of those because of some crazy thing called “copyright infringement.” That turned out to be for the best because as soon as I started to write the first few chapters of The Joy of Sex Part 2, I felt deeply uncomfortable.
    I finally decided on Seriously… I’m Kidding because, well, seriously… I’m kidding. (You’ll notice it has the signature “…” that all of my book titles have. I considered not using the “…” and calling it Seriously, I’m Kidding or Seriously? I’m Kidding or Seriously % I’m Kidding but in the end I decided to be consistent with my other books. I’m a big fan of consistency. And beet juice.)
    Since I’m a comedian people usually know that I’m kidding. In fact, more often than not people assume I’m kidding even when I’m trying to be serious. That can be frustrating when I’m at the doctor’s or dentist’s office. I’ll say something like, “Your elbow is digging into my neck” or “I think I need more Novocain” and the hygienist will laugh and laugh like it’s the funniest thing she’s ever heard.
    It’s always funny to me when people have to clarify that they’re kidding. This usually happens after they’ve delivered an insult to someone that was intended to be a joke, such as “Well at least if it rains we can seek shelter under your bangs! I’m just kidding. I love those bangs. Seriously… I’m kidding.” Here’s a professional tip: If you have to say you’re kidding, it might not be a great joke.
    I also like the title because it reminds me of the fact that we always contradict ourselves when we talk. We say things like, “Would I like to go to that concert? Yeah, maybe.” And when someone is telling a good story we say, “Shut up! Then what happened?” I once surprised a friend by showing up unannounced at a party and she yelled, “Get out! Come over here!” I didn’t know what to do.
    There are “well-known secrets” out there and there are people who are “so happy they could die.” Sometimes people are so sad they have to laugh and sometimes things feel so wrong, they’re right. Basically what I’m saying is, I usually don’t know what people are talking about.
    I don’t know how we can be serious and kidding at the same time, but I do seriously hope you’re enjoying Seriously… I’m Kidding . Pass it around, recommend it to friends, maybe buy a copy for your mother-in-law in case she’s too cheap to buy one herself. No, I’m just kidding. Please don’t tell her I said that. It was just a joke. Seriously… I’m kidding.

Last Chapter

    W ell, we’ve come to the end of our journey.