Seriously... I'm Kidding

meadow.
    Do you hear it? That was an airplane. Listen closer. Listen to the leaves rustle and the snakes slither. No, not snakes. There are no snakes in this meadow. I shouldn’t have said snakes.
    Slow down your mind. Slower. Think about how slow you have to drive when there’s someone on a bicycle in front of you in the middle of your lane. Are you annoyed? Don’t be.
    Today it’s not annoying. Today it’s peaceful.
    Start to float above the meadow. Whoa. Look at that. You’re floating. Are you scared of heights? Don’t think about that.
    Picture your wallet falling out of your pocket. You don’t care. Let your wallet go.
    A stranger picked it up, took the money out, and left the wallet behind. Let it go. You didn’t need that money.
    You’re floating peacefully above the meadow.
    As it turns out, there was a tick but it didn’t bite you. So you’re breathing out relief.
    Feel the energy around you.
    Now you’re floating above water. There’s a creek in the meadow. Or it might be a brook. You don’t know the difference, maybe there isn’t one. You don’t care.
    Just picture the creek-brook. Its winding path piercing the meadow. The sun bouncing off the rocks. Don’t think about how dangerous it would be to slip on them.
    As you approach the water you see a bridge. It’s a bridge that leads to happiness.
    To the left of the bridge is a cape. Not a cape like a piece of land, an actual cape like a superhero would have. Put on the cape.
    Now you have magical powers. You can do anything you want in this cape, except fly.
    As you get closer you realize the whole bridge is made out of dark chocolate.
    It’s unsafe to walk on but so delicious to eat.
    Carefully cross the bridge to happiness. Don’t let anyone take your cape. It’s yours.
    People will try to take your cape out of jealousy, but don’t let them.
    On the other side of the bridge, they’re showing classic reruns of The Love Boat .
    Happiness is yours once you cross the dark chocolate bridge in your cape.
    Be careful and good luck.

Random Things That Might Help You But Probably Won’t

     
Never make your bed with a monkey in it.
Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn’t enough. You also have to move your chair.
There’s no attractive way to get a cherry pit out of your mouth.
When making a right turn onto a busy street, always check the crosswalk for children’s imaginary friends.
Everyone looks better in fuchsia.
If you have portraits of yourself up all over your house, people are going to think you’re conceited. Replace them with portraits of me.
When moving heavy objects, I know they say to lift with your knees. I’ve always found it easier to lift with my arms.
Rest rooms are not for resting.
When your eye twitches, it means your body wants you to wink rapidly at whomever is sitting across from you.
If you like winning, never play hide-and-seek with a chipmunk.
Answering every question with “You got it, girlfriend!” can apparently be irritating to others.
“Kerfuffle” is an actual word.
At a four-way stop sign, the person with the prettiest eyes has the right of way.

American Idol , Or “If You Don’t Have Anything Nice to Say, Don’t Say Anything at All”

    I have been a genuine fan of American Idol since it began. I love music. I love supporting new talent. And I love medleys about Ford. So it’s always been one of my favorite shows. It turns out, however, I enjoy it a whole lot more when I get to watch from the comfort of my very own living room.
    Everyone asks me about my time as a judge on Idol . People want to know what it’s really like to be there, what Ryan is like, and what Simon is like. I’ll say this about them: Ryan is truly a workaholic. He never stops. You don’t see this watching from home, but during commercial breaks he goes around the audience selling Mary Kay cosmetics. And as for Simon—you can’t always believe what you see. I know he comes across a certain way on TV, but in real life—and I don’t mean to shock you—he’s actually completely hairless.
    When I first agreed to do the show, I thought it was going to be a lot of fun because, first of all, what great seats. You’re right there in the front row. You’re seeing everything live as it happens. You get unlimited refills of Vitaminwater. It seemed like a terrific idea.
    But then reality set in and things changed. My schedule got crazy. Pressure started building. Randy kept calling me