Shadow of the giant

had no pride at
the end of that. I had lived in filth and shame for ... forever. But Bean took
me back and trusted me. And Peter Wiggin acted as if he had known all along who
I really was. They accepted my sacrifice.
    "Now I ask you, Vir, for your sacrifice. Your
Satyagraha. Once you put everything on the altar of India. Then your pride
nearly undid what you had accomplished. I ask you now, will you help your
people live in peace, the only way that peace can be had in this world? By
joining with the Free People of Earth?"
    She felt the tears streaming down her face.
    Like that day when she was making the video of the
atrocities.
    Only today she was the one who had caused the deaths of all
these Indian boys. They came here to die because they loved and served her. She
owed their families something.
    "Whatever will help my people live in peace," she
said, "I'll do."
     
     
     
    25
     
    LETTERS
     
     
    From: Bean@Whereverthehelliam
    To: Graff%[email protected]
    Re: Did we actually do it?
     
    I can't believe you still have me hooked up to the nets.
This continues by ansible after we're moving at relativistic speeds?
     
    The babies are fine here. There's room enough for them to
crawl. A library big enough I think they won't lack for interesting reading or
viewing material for... weeks. It will only be weeks, right?
     
    What I'm wondering is: did we do it? Did I fulfill your
goal? I look at the map, and there's still nothing inevitable about it. Han Tzu
gave his farewell speech, just like Vlad and Alai and Virlomi. Makes me feel
cheated. They got to bid the world farewell before they disappeared into this
good night. Then again, they had nations to try to sway. I never really had
anybody who followed me. Never wanted them. That's the thing, I guess, that set
me apart from the rest of the Jeesh—I was the only one who didn't wish I were
Ender.
     
    So look at the map, Hyrum. Will they buy Han Tzu's plan of
dividing China into six nations and all of them joining the Free Peoples? Or
will they stay unified and still join? Or look for another Emperor? Will India
recover from the humiliation of Virlomi's defeat? Will they follow her advice
and embrace the FPE? Nothing's assured, and I have to go.
     
    I know, you'll tell me by ansible when anything interesting
happens. And in a way, I don't care. I'm not going to be there, I'm not going
to have any effect on it.
     
    In another way, I care even less than that. Because I never
did care.
     
    Yet I also care with my whole heart. Because Petra is there
with the only babies I actually wanted—the ones that don't have my defects.
With me I have only the cripples. And my only fear is that I'll die before I've
taught them anything.
     
    Don't be ashamed when you see your life coming to an end and
you haven't found a cure for me yet. I never believed in the cure. I thought
there was enough of a chance to take this leap into the night, and cure or not,
I knew that I didn't want my defective children to live long enough to make my
mistake and reproduce, and keep this valuable, terrible curse going on,
generation after generation. Whatever happens, it's all right.
     
    And then it occurs to me. What if Sister Carlotta was right?
What if God is waiting for me with open arms? Then all I'm doing is postponing
my reunion. I think of meeting God. Will it be like when I met my father and
mother? (I almost wrote: Nikolai's parents.) I liked them. I wanted to love
them. But I knew that Nikolai was the child she bore, the child they raised.
And I was ... from nowhere. And for me, my father was a little girl named Poke,
and my mother was Sister Carlotta, and they were dead. Who were these other
people really?
     
    Will meeting God be like that? Will I be disappointed with
the real thing, because I prefer the substitute I made do with?
     
    Like it or not, Hyrum, you were God in my life. I didn't
invite you, I didn't even like you, but you kept MEDDLING. And now you've sent
me into outer darkness with a promise to save me. A promise I don't believe you
can keep. But at least YOU aren't a stranger. I know you. And I think that you
honestly meant well. If I have to choose between an omnipotent God who leaves
the world in this condition, and a God who has only a little bit of power but
really cares and tries to make things better, I'll take you every time. Go on
playing God, Hyrum. You're not bad at it. Sometimes you kind of get it right.
     
    Why am I writing like this? We can email