Shame

that Vanja wanted to have anything to do with her at all, almost needed her, and of her own accord wondered whether they might do something together when that day came and it was possible.
    But it wasn’t possible. And never would be. When the day came that Vanja would have the opportunity to do something, Maj-Britt would no longer exist. She had made up her mind, after all.
    ‘I have a year left in here and I think I have something important to do during that year.’
    Do something together. A little disturbing possibility had opened up, but she would have to quash it here and now. Everything was still so utterly meaningless. She tried to sort out her thoughts as she listened to what Vanja was saying, but they kept wandering here and there, heading down small unknown turn-offs that hadn’t existed before. They dashed without permission down the new paths, cautiously testing to see if they would take hold.
    She and Vanja?
    Try to capture again a little of what they had lost?
    Not be alone anymore?
    ‘I don’t know what it is yet but I hope I recognise it when it pops up.’
    She tried to concentrate on what Vanja was saying.
    ‘Excuse me, I didn’t hear you right. What is it you’re going to do?’
    ‘That’s what I don’t know yet. Just that it’s something important. It might be that someone needs my help.’
    Maj-Britt realised that she must have missed something Vanja had said.
    ‘How can you know that?’
    Vanja smiled but didn’t reply. Maj-Britt recognised that expression. She had had it many times when they were growing up, and it always made Maj-Britt extremely curious.
    ‘It’s probably not a good idea to tell you about it. You wouldn’t believe me.’
    Maj-Britt didn’t ask anymore, because she realised the direction the conversation was headed. She didn’t want to hear about any more dreams that came true. Everything was confusing enough as it was.
    There was a knock at the door. The man who had brought Vanja stuck in his head.
    ‘Five minutes.’
    Vanja nodded without turning round, and the door was closed again. Then she reached out her hand and placed it on Maj-Britt’s.
    ‘Keep your stern God if you like, although He scares you out of your wits. Someday I’ll tell you a secret, about what happened that time when I wanted to die and almost died in the flames. But if you can’t even believe in a lousy little dream coming true then it’s a bit too early yet.’
    Vanja smiled but Maj-Britt couldn’t manage to smile back, and maybe Vanja sensed her anguish. She stroked Maj-Britt’s hand.
    ‘You don’t have to be afraid, because there’s nothing there to be afraid of.’
    And then she smiled the smile that Maj-Britt knew so well. Only now did she realise how much she had missed it. Her Vanja who could always make her feel better, who with her fearlessness had helped her through childhood and always made her see things from another point of view. If only she could have the chance to do things over, to do everything differently. Why had she allowed Vanja to disappear from her life? How could she have abandoned her?
    You don’t have to be afraid, because there’s nothing there to be afraid of .
    More than anything she wanted to be able to share Vanja’s certainty. Leave all the terrors behind and once and for all dare to choose life.
    ‘Oh, how I wish I could believe like you do.’
    And Vanja’s smile grew even wider.
    ‘Couldn’t you just be satisfied with a little “maybe”?’

    Saba stood waiting at the door when she got home. Maj-Britt went straight to the phone and dialled Monika Lundvall’s number.
    Ring after ring echoed over the line before she was forced to accept that no one was going to answer.

EPILOGUE
    S now had fallen during the night. The world lay concealed under a thin white blanket. At least that part of the world she could still see. She had scraped off a spot on a bench and sat looking at her white breath.
    One night.
    One night she had managed to get through, and now only one hundred and seventy-nine nights were left and just as many days. Then she would be free. Free to do what she wanted. In one hundred and seventy-nine days and just as many nights she would have served out society’s punishment for the crime she had committed and she would regain her freedom.
    Freedom. The word had previously been such a natural part of her life that she had never even thought about its real significance. Perhaps it was the same with freedom as it was with