Shame

the relief she felt when she read the brief letter was indescribable. She had been forgiven. Pernilla had found out everything, and she admitted that at first she had been both angry and sad. But the person who told her had in the end made her understand why Monika had acted the way she had done, and managed to turn her rage to sympathy. But Pernilla wondered about the money she had received. Had Monika been reported to the police because of the money she gave Pernilla? Or was it because of the money she was forced to send to Save the Children?
    Only then did Monika understand that it was Maj-Britt who had liberated her.
    * * *
    The sun crept over the rooftops and spread millions of tiny sparkling diamonds in the newly fallen snow. Monika wrapped her jacket tighter around her, but it didn’t help much. She saw by the clock that she had spent only half of the hour she was permitted to be outdoors, but no amount of cold in the world could make her go in early.
    Out of the corner of her eye she saw a door open and someone come out into the courtyard. She didn’t look, she didn’t dare, she had no idea what rules applied in here for survival. The annihilating feeling of being an outsider and the loneliness she experienced in the midst of all the people at yesterday’s evening meal had made her so anxious that she asked to be allowed to go back to her cell early. But it was when they locked the door that she experienced for the first time in her life how it felt not to be able to breathe in a room full of air. She had thought she would die in there. But the only people she could ask for help were the ones who had locked her in, and the torment they were subjecting her to was no careless mistake but a deliberate act. They thought she deserved it.
    The impotence she felt had almost killed her.

    She sensed that the person who had come outside was approaching, and in a purely defensive reaction she turned her head to get some idea of the possible threat. It was one of the oldest women in the prison; Monika had seen her the day before at dinner. She sat by herself and looked as if nothing that happened in her vicinity actually affected her, and the others in the room seemed to respect her solitude. At first the sight of the woman had made Monika uncomfortable, because of the look in the woman’s eyes when they met. As if she were startled, as if she had caught sight of someone she knew. But Monika had never seen the woman before and didn’t want to draw attention to herself. That was the way she had planned to get through her time here. By not being noticed.
    Now the woman was approaching the bench, and Monika could feel her heart pounding. She remembered the chatter during dinner, the obvious hierarchy, the sense that everyone was acting according to an invisible script in which she had been given no role. And for the life of her she didn’t know how she would find her place without getting on the wrong side of someone. She had absolutely no frame of reference as to how she was expected to behave. And yet this was a different type of fear than she had been used to. Inside there was nothing left to harm. Instead it was her body that feared physical pain. That they might assault her.
    ‘Won’t you get a bladder infection from sitting there?’
    In her gratitude over knowing the answer to the question, Monika’s first impulse was to say that it took a bacterium in the urine to provoke a bladder infection, but she bit her tongue to stop herself. It would seem as if she was acting superior.
    ‘Maybe.’
    She stood up.
    The woman caught a silver-coloured wisp of hair that had come loose and tucked it behind her ear.
    ‘Shall we take a walk?’
    Monika hesitated. The woman didn’t look particularly dangerous, but to stroll farther away from the buildings alone with her was not appealing. She cast a hasty glance at the door. But she didn’t want to go inside yet. Not when there was time left. And she couldn’t really say no and stay where she was.
    ‘Sure.’
    They began walking slowly across the courtyard. There was no reason to hurry.
    ‘You got here yesterday, right?’
    ‘Yes.’
    ‘How much time did you get?’
    ‘Six months.’
    Monika replied politely and quickly to all her questions. So far she was doing fine.
    ‘That’s not so bad. The time goes faster than you think when you’re bored.’
    The woman gave a little laugh and Monika also smiled, to be on the safe side. She realised that she ought to ask