Shame

at least she wouldn’t be dead.
    The hours passed slowly. Her left arm went to sleep after a while, but she didn’t dare move, didn’t dare risk landing on her back again. Finally she was forced to move. With a minimum of effort she managed to free the blood flow down into her arm. Worse was the pain in the small of her back. The pain that had been throbbing lately; often it hurt so much that she had a hard time moving at all.

    She was lucky. Ellinor came early. The clock by the bed showed only a little past ten when she finally heard the key in the door.
    ‘It’s only me!’
    She didn’t reply; Ellinor would find her soon enough. She heard the food bags being laid on the kitchen table and Ellinor saying hello to Saba, who had left her side when the front door opened.
    ‘Maj-Britt?’
    The next moment she was standing in the bedroom doorway. Maj-Britt could see that she was alarmed.
    ‘Shit, what happened?’
    She squatted down by her side but still hadn’t touched her.
    ‘Jesus, how long have you been lying here like this?’
    Maj-Britt couldn’t speak. The humiliation she felt was so deep that her jaws refused to move. Then she felt Ellinor’s hands on her body and it was so ghastly that she wanted to scream.
    ‘I don’t know if I can manage to get you up. I’ll probably have to call security.’
    ‘No!’
    The threat caused a spurt of adrenaline and Maj-Britt reached her arm up towards the bedstead to try and get a grip.
    ‘We’ll manage by ourselves. Try to shove the pillow in behind my back.’
    Ellinor worked as quickly as she could, and in a moment Maj-Britt was in a half-sitting position. The pain in her lower back made her want to scream, but she gritted her teeth and refused to give up. They kept on going. One pillow after another was forced in and it took them almost half an hour, but they did it. Without the security men and their awful touching. When Maj-Britt sank down in her easy chair, panting, and it was all over, she felt a strange emotion.
    She was grateful.
    To Ellinor.
    She wasn’t required to do that; according to the rules she should have called in security. But Ellinor hadn’t, for her sake and together they had done it.
    The words came from deep inside.
    ‘Thank you.’
    Maj-Britt didn’t look at her when she said it, or the words would have stuck in her throat.

    Not much was said during the next hour. The feeling that they had suddenly become a team, that their common experience had forced Maj-Britt to lower her guard, felt threatening. She was indebted now, and that could easily be exploited if she didn’t stay on alert. This did not mean that they were friends, far from it. She had Saba, after all, and needed no one else.

    She couldn’t face dealing with the bags of food, and she heard Ellinor start to unpack them and open the refrigerator door.
    ‘Wow, what a lot of food is left.’
    ‘I can finish eating it all if that would make you feel better.’
    She bit her tongue, that wasn’t what she meant to say, but the words had come out by themselves. She regretted saying them, but the mere thought that she wanted to take them back disturbed her. She was indebted. In future that would be intolerable.
    Ellinor appeared in the doorway.
    ‘I was just surprised, that’s all. I mean about the food. You aren’t sick or anything, are you?’
    Maj-Britt looked at the letter. That was where it came from. All she had left unread, and the things she had read but had never wanted to see. Not even food soothed her anymore.
    ‘Is there something you want me to buy for next time?’
    ‘Meat.’
    ‘Meat?’
    ‘Just meat. Forget about the rest of it.’
    She was back in her easy chair while Ellinor cleaned around her; Maj-Britt was doing her best to pretend she didn’t exist. She was aware of Ellinor’s worried glances but didn’t care. She knew that she wouldn’t get her wish fulfilled; buying nothing but meat was something that Social Services would never agree to. She had waged a long battle to get any extra rations of food at all, but this would definitely cross the line.
    But meat was the only thing that could deaden the thoughts that had now invaded her again.

    Ellinor was at the front door when she suddenly turned round and came back.
    ‘You know, I think I’ll leave you my mobile number on the nightstand by your phone. If it should happen again, I mean.’
    She disappeared into the bedroom but came right back.
    ‘I’ll see you the day after tomorrow