Shame

within reach, the dream that she had given up all hope of realising. No success in the world could measure up to the strength his love could give her. And yet it wasn’t enough. She couldn’t help the fact that she was not a heroic person, but at least she could muster the courage required to explain things to him.
    As long as we’re honest then neither of us has to be afraid. Don’t you think?
    How she had always wished for this, to stop being afraid.
    She knew that she had to tell him, and what in the name of honesty did she have to lose? She would lose him in the end if she kept silent.
    She had to take the risk.
    But not now, not here on the phone. She wanted to be able to see his face.
    ‘I’ll tell you when I come home. And Thomas …’
    In any case she had to confess to the one other thing that was so hard to say.
    ‘… I love you.’

    Friday and Saturday passed. Her decision to tell him was still firm and there was a sense of peace in having made up her mind. The intense pace of the course also helped to distract her. On Saturday evening, after too many lectures about visions and goals, effective delegation, and how to motivate your staff and create a positive work atmosphere, she sat down at one of the beautifully set tables in the dining room. Until then she had sat with Åse at every meal, and they had developed a real friendship. To say that Åse was a fresh breeze was an understatement; she was more like a hurricane that passed by each time you were near her. Monika liked her a lot, and she had already thought about inviting her and Börje to dinner sometime. She and Thomas. A couples’ dinner.
    If he stayed.
    ‘Is this seat free?’
    She turned round and there stood Mattias. Until now they had only exchanged a few words; without thinking why she had chosen not to sit at his table at the previous meals.
    ‘Of course.’
    But she really wasn’t happy about it.
    ‘Your name is Monika, isn’t it?’
    She nodded and he pulled out the chair and sat down. On her right, where he had sat before.
    On each plate was an intricately folded linen napkin, and Mattias studied the artistry for a moment before he demolished it and put it on his lap.
    ‘That was a very strong presentation you gave. I haven’t had a chance to tell you until now.’
    Straight to the point. She had seen it before. People who had lived through great crises and been strengthened by their experience did not stoop to traditional polite nonsense. Wham!, right to the heart of the matter. Whether the people around them were ready or not.
    ‘Thanks, yours was too.’
    Åse came to her rescue. With her usual commotion she sat down in the chair across from Monika and immediately unfolded her napkin without so much as glancing at the artistic folds.
    ‘God, I’m starving!’
    With a scowl she read the little menu that decorated each bread plate.
    ‘ Lax carpaccio ? You can starve to death eating that.’
    Mattias laughed. Monika was uncomfortably aware of his presence. His entire existence was one big reminder.
    Several other people sat down at their table, and soon all eight seats were taken. The mood became intimate. Forcing them all to reveal something about themselves during the introductions had been a brilliant move on the part of the course leader. After that, no concerns had seemed too private to share with one another. Monika already knew more about some of the participants than she knew about her co-workers. But they didn’t know as much about her. And she wondered whether more people besides herself had altered the truth a bit when they had had the chance.
    ‘How is your wife doing now, by the way?’
    Åse was the one asking, and she directed her question to Mattias. She had long since wolfed down her lax carpaccio and was now spreading butter on a piece of crispbread while she waited for the entrée.
    ‘Oh, she’s doing quite well, actually. She’ll never be completely the same, but enough so that everything functions. And she doesn’t have pain anymore. If you met her and didn’t know otherwise, you wouldn’t be able to tell. It’s more things like getting sore if she sits too long and stuff like that.’
    ‘And your daughter, how old is she?’
    Mattias lit up when she was mentioned.
    ‘Daniella will be one in three weeks. It’s strange, becoming a father. Being away from home for a few days has become really tough all of a sudden. A lot of things happen while you’re gone.’
    There was nodding and