Shame

confusion. The thoughts she had managed to fend off in the daytime by staying in continuous motion demanded attention in the dark, but that was out of the question. She suspected that her thoughts might make her doubt what she was doing, and for that reason she had every right to keep them at a distance. Since nothing ever conformed to reason or fairness, she was fully justified in planning her own strategy to bring order to the system. The forces that ruled life and death lacked all logic and discrimination. No acceptance was possible. She had to find an opportunity to make amends.

    When she finally got to sleep, other dangers were lurking. Thomas would appear in her dreams. He came and went at will and awakened a longing in her that left everything reeling. What she had purposely forced her brain to forget remained as a memory in her body, and her hands refused to ward it off.
    She wrote herself a prescription for sleeping pills as a means of defence.
    After that she was left in peace.

    On the third day she gathered her courage and suggested that she stay and fix dinner for them that evening. Yes, and go out to run errands first, of course. She added that she didn’t mind at all. Pernilla hesitated only briefly, but then admitted that it would really be appreciated. Her back had grown worse since she was alone, and she hadn’t been to her chiropractor in over three weeks. Monika knew that she didn’t have the money, but she needed to hear it from Pernilla and above all she needed more details. She hoped to find out more during dinner.

    She stood in the hall putting on her coat, having decided to make beef Wellington with pommes au gratin. She was wondering whether to buy a bottle of wine when Pernilla came out to the hallway.
    ‘By the way, I’m a vegetarian. I don’t think I told you, did I?’
    Monika smiled.
    ‘What luck. I didn’t want to say that I was because I thought you might want to have meat. How long have you been a vegetarian?’
    ‘Since I was eighteen.’
    Monika fastened the last button on her coat.
    ‘Is there anything you particularly feel like having?’
    Pernilla sighed.
    ‘No. To be honest, I’m not even very hungry.’
    ‘You ought to try and eat. I’ll find something at the grocer’s. Would you like a glass of wine, by the way? I can stop at the off-licence and buy a bottle if you like.’
    Pernilla thought for a bit.
    ‘Someone else from the crisis group who was here said I should be careful with alcohol for the time being. It’s apparently quite common to start consoling yourself with a couple of glasses of wine in the evening when you’re in my situation.’
    Monika didn’t reply, but wondered briefly if she had been rebuked. But then Pernilla went on.
    ‘But there’s not much risk of that, because I can’t afford to buy any. I would very much like to have a glass of wine.’

    Monika spent a long time choosing vegetables. She didn’t know any vegetarian recipes, and finally she asked one of the staff for help. Oh yes, there were various recipe suggestions on a stand over there by the dairy counter, and she picked one with chanterelles that looked rather luxurious and that she thought she could manage to prepare. She was feeling almost excited when she went back to her car with bags filled with food. Pernilla’s trust in her seemed to have grown, and the threat of being sent away seemed less imminent. And tonight they would eat dinner together. They would have a chance to get to know each other a little better and she didn’t intend to disappoint Pernilla. She had just put down the bags to take out her car keys when she saw it. She didn’t see where it came from, but suddenly it was standing there on the pavement, right next to one of the bags. A silver-grey pigeon with iridescent purple wings. Monika dropped her car keys. With tiny black eyes it was staring accusingly at Monika, and she was suddenly afraid that the pigeon would do her harm. Without taking her eyes off it, she bent down and picked up her keys, unlocked the car and opened the door. Not until she picked up the bags did it flutter off in alarm above the parking lot, and she loaded the shopping into the car as quickly as she could. She locked the doors before she drove off.

    When she parked outside Pernilla’s building she sat in the car for a while to collect herself. She saw that fat dog again. Only a few metres from the balcony where it lived the dog was doing its business, but as soon as it