Shame

you say something, Maj-Britt? Have you completely lost your voice?’
    It was her father speaking to her.
    ‘Why don’t you tell him about your problems?’
    Maj-Britt swallowed. Shame burned in her body.
    ‘Maj-Britt has had problems with paying attention to her relationship with God, and the fact that you are here can be regarded as one result of that. If someone is pure in soul, those types of perversions cannot intrude, for a true Christian refrains from the damnation of sexuality, and does so with joy and gratitude! We have done everything to help her but now she has obviously let herself be led astray in earnest.’
    Göran stared at him. Her father continued. Each syllable was like the crack of a whip.
    ‘You wondered what sort of problems she has had. Self-abuse, that’s what it’s called!’
    Jesus Christ, let me get out of this. Lord forgive me for all I have done. Help me, please, help me!
    How could they know?
    ‘Fornication, Maj-Britt, that’s what you’ve been devoting yourself to. What you’re doing is sinful and is considered apostasy from the true path.’
    Göran looked bewildered. As if the words he heard were spoken in a language that was foreign to him. When her father spoke again she flinched from the power in his voice.
    ‘Maj-Britt, I want you to look me in the eye and answer my question. Is it true as he says that you intend to leave here with him? Is that what you came here to tell us?’
    Maj-Britt’s mother broke into tears and rocked back and forth with her face hidden in her hands.
    ‘You know that Christ died on the cross for our sins. He died for your sake, Maj-Britt, for your sake! And now you do this to Him. You will be eternally damned, shut out forever from God’s kingdom.’
    Göran stood up.
    ‘What kind of nonsense is this?’
    Her father stood up, too. Like two fighting cocks they stood face to face, measuring each other across the ironed tablecloth. Saliva sprayed out of her father’s mouth when he answered the blasphemous outburst.
    ‘You emissary of Satan! The Lord will punish you for this, because you have enticed her into depravity. You will come to regret this, mark my words.’
    Göran went over to Maj-Britt’s chair and held out his hand.
    ‘Come, Majsan, we don’t have to stay and listen to this.’
    Maj-Britt couldn’t move. Her leg was still tied to the chair.
    ‘If you leave now, Maj-Britt, then you won’t be welcome in this house again.’
    ‘Come on, Majsan!’
    ‘Do you hear that, Maj-Britt? If you choose to go with this man then you will have to face the consequences. A poisonous root must be severed from the others so as not to spread its infection. If you go now you will renounce your Congregation and your right to God’s mercy, and you are no longer our daughter.’
    Göran took her hand.
    ‘Come now, Majsan, we’re going.’
    The clock on the wall struck five times, flinging out the exact time into the room. And just at that moment she did not know that a big red blot was taking shape in the calendar.
    Maj-Britt stood up. She let Göran’s hand lead her out to the hall and then, after he helped her on with her jacket, out the door. Not a sound was heard from the living room. Not even the moaning of her mother. Only a withering silence that would never end.
    Göran pulled her with him down the garden walk and out through the gate, but there he stopped and took her in his arms. Her arms hung at her sides.
    ‘They’ll come around. You just have to give them a little time.’
    Everything was empty. There was no joy, no relief that the lies were over, no anticipation of the opportunities that awaited. She couldn’t even share Göran’s anger. Only a huge black sorrow at all the ineptitude. Her own and her parents’. At Göran’s, who could not understand what he had caused in there. And at the Lord’s, who had created them all with free will, but who still damned those who did not do His will. Who was always intent on punishing her.

    She had longed so much for them to be able to sleep together a whole night, and now they would finally be able to do it, but everything had been ruined. She wanted Vanja to come, and Göran borrowed his parents’ car and drove over to get her. During the trip he told Vanja in detail about the visit to Maj-Britt’s home, and Vanja was fuming with anger when she came in the door.
    ‘Damn it, Majsan. Don’t you let them destroy this, too! You’ve got to show them instead.’
    Göran made one pot