Shame

words that Vanja had written. How could she have known? Vanja was no enemy, never had been. She had merely done as Maj-Britt had asked and stopped sending her letters. Not out of anger but out of consideration.
    But how could she have known?
    ‘How long have you been in pain?’
    She couldn’t lie anymore. Couldn’t keep it up any longer. Because there was really nothing to defend.
    ‘I don’t know.’
    ‘Well, about how long?’
    ‘It crept up on me. It didn’t hurt all the time at first, just now and then.’
    ‘But now it hurts all the time?’
    Maj-Britt made one last brave attempt to defend herself by not answering. That was all she could do. She already knew it was futile.
    ‘Maj-Britt, does it hurt all the time?’
    It had lasted five seconds. Maj-Britt nodded.
    Ellinor gave a heavy sigh.
    ‘I only want to help you, don’t you see that?’
    ‘Well, you are getting paid for it, after all.’
    It was unfair and she knew it, but sometimes she said things out of habit. The words were so much a part of her life in the flat that they didn’t even have to be consciously thought before they spilled out. She was actually aware that Ellinor had done a lot more for her than she was really paid to do. A lot more. But for the life of her Maj-Britt couldn’t understand why. And of course Ellinor reacted.
    ‘Why do you always have to make things so hard? I understand that you have probably had a hell of a lot of trouble in your life, but do you have to make the whole world suffer for it? Can’t you try to make a distinction between those you should hate and those who don’t deserve it?’
    Maj-Britt turned to look at the window. Hate. She tasted the word. Who actually deserved her hate? Whose fault had it all been?
    Were her parents to blame?
    The Congregation?
    Göran?
    He had understood what happened. He didn’t accuse her straight out, but she remembered the look on his face. Göran’s contempt had soon developed to open hatred. When it was time to move to the flat they had been hoping to get for so long, she had to move alone. And here she had stayed. Hadn’t contacted anyone or given out her new address, not even to Vanja. She had no idea where Göran went after the papers were signed and the divorce granted, and after a couple of years she wasn’t even interested in knowing.

    Ellinor sounded rather dejected when she went on; her voice had lost its fire and she started by taking a deep breath.
    ‘But Vanja’s right, of course. You make your own choices.’
    Maj-Britt started at the words.
    ‘What do you mean by that?’
    ‘It’s your life, isn’t it? You’re the one who decides. I can’t force you to go to the doctor.’
    Maj-Britt fell silent. She couldn’t face thinking it all the way through. That it might be life-threatening. That whatever was hurting inside her body might be the beginning of the end. The end of something that had been so totally meaningless, yet she had taken for granted that it would go on.
    ‘Is it because you don’t want to leave the flat that you won’t go to the doctor?’
    Maj-Britt considered this. Yes. That was definitely one reason. The thought of forcing herself out of the flat was terrifying. But it was only one of the reasons; the other was more crucial.
    They would have to touch her. She would have to take off her clothes and she would be forced to let them touch her disgusting body.
    Suddenly Ellinor straightened up and looked like she had just had an idea.
    ‘What if a doctor came here?’
    Maj-Britt got palpitations from the mere suggestion. Ellinor’s attempt to find a simple solution was backing her into a corner. It would be so much easier just to admit that it was impossible, so that she could renounce all responsibility and not even have to consider making a decision.
    ‘What sort of doctor?’
    Ellinor’s enthusiasm was back, now that she obviously thought she had found a solution.
    ‘My mother knows a doctor I can call. I’m sure I can get her to come here.’
    Her. Then maybe that would be possible to endure. At least maybe.
    ‘Dear Maj-Britt. Please let me ring and ask her, at any rate. All right?’
    Maj-Britt didn’t reply, and Ellinor got more excited.
    ‘Then I’ll ring her, okay? Just call and see what she says.’
    And so apparently some sort of decision was made. Maj-Britt had neither agreed nor objected. She still had the chance to blame everything on Ellinor if things went wrong.
    That would make it so much easier to