Shame

dangerously close to the boundary that she had so successfully managed to avoid. The one that prevented her from breaking into bits completely. With an effort of will she managed to take out the casserole and turn off the oven.
    She saw through the doorway into her study that Pernilla was examining the old map she had bought that afternoon, which had now replaced what usually hung on the same nail. She went over to the refrigerator and took out the big plastic water bottle and the salad she had prepared. Then she sank onto one of the chairs at the table.
    She couldn’t utter a word. Not even announce that dinner was ready. But Pernilla appeared of her own accord after looking round the flat and went to sit at the other side of the table. She felt Pernilla looking at her, felt the terror of not being good enough in her eyes.
    ‘How are you feeling?’
    She nodded and tried to smile again. But Pernilla didn’t give up.
    ‘You look a little pale.’
    ‘I didn’t sleep well last night. Actually I’m feeling a little sick.’
    The white box was like a magnet in the living room. With each breath she was aware of its presence.
    I want to eat dinner too! Can you hear me out there? I want to be included!
    ‘What was it you wanted to tell me?’
    Pernilla had begun to serve herself from the casserole. Monika tried to remember the answer to her question. Her head was spinning. She gripped the chair cushion she was sitting on in an attempt to make it stop.
    ‘Did you call the programme?’
    Pernilla poured water into Monika’s glass.
    ‘Have some water. You’re really pale. You’re not going to faint, are you?’
    Monika shook her head.
    ‘There’s no danger of that, I just felt a bit tired all of a sudden.’
    She was so close to the boundary now. So dangerously close. She had to see to it that Pernilla got out of here. She couldn’t show herself as weak. How could she be of any help, if Pernilla was the one who had to take care of her? Pernilla would reject her, no longer have any use for her.
    She swallowed.
    ‘They said they wanted to help you, so I tried to pressure them and asked them to give us some money since it was so urgent. I drove over there with all your papers so they could see for themselves, told them about your accident and all the trouble with the insurance that didn’t cover it.’
    She took a sip of water. She had thought that this would be a solemn moment. A great stride forward in their friendship. Now she just wanted to get it over with so that she could take a couple of sleeping pills and escape.
    ‘So are they going to come up with any money?’
    Monika nodded and took another swallow of water. Just a little one, the risk was great that it would come right back up.
    ‘You’re going to get nine hundred and fifty-three thousand.’
    Pernilla dropped her fork.
    ‘Kronor?’
    Monika did her best to smile but was unsure of the result.
    ‘Is that true?’
    She nodded again.
    The reaction she had so longed for bloomed on Pernilla’s face. For the first time she saw genuine joy and gratitude. Words came tumbling out of her mouth as fast as the impact of the news sank in.
    Monika felt nothing.
    ‘But that’s utterly fantastic. Are you sure they were serious? That means we can stay in the flat and I can pay off the loan. Are you really sure they meant it, seriously? Well, I don’t know how I can ever thank you for this.’
    Do you know, Monika? Do you know how she could thank you for this? Considering everything you’ve done for her?
    Monika got up.
    ‘Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.’
    She braced herself against chair backs and door frames on her way to the bathroom, and with the door locked she just stood there. Leaning against the sink she looked at her own face until the reflection dissolved and turned into that of a monster. She was so close now. So dangerously close. The darkness lay just below the surface, vibrating. Pressing against the thin membrane and finding small holes. She had to confess. She had to go out to Pernilla and confess her guilt. That it was all her fault. If she didn’t do it now she would never be able to do it. Then her lies would have to go on forever. And she would always have to live with the terror of being unmasked.
    At that moment the telephone rang. Monika stood there and let it ring. But then there was a tentative knock on the bathroom door.
    ‘Monika. There’s a call for you. She didn’t say her name.’
    Monika took a deep breath and