Shame

she read his ingenious messages. Inspired by the challenge, she did her best to come up with equally witty replies. By five a.m. she was forced to concede defeat.
    ‘Life and the night are approaching each other with haste. Never are dreams so close as now.’
    She was finally speechless.
    And he had gone up a notch or two.

    And wait they did. In the time that followed they explored each other. Slowly but surely, inside and out. Two lonely people who were cautiously approaching their innermost hopes about everything they had always lacked, what they had always dreamed they would find someday in their lives. Each conversation was an adventure, each discovery a new opportunity to plumb the depths. She knew that she had never before entered that place where her feelings had now led her. Everything was enveloped in benevolence. Bit by bit she got to know him, and none of what he told her or confessed dampened her interest. On the contrary.
    Step by step they came closer to the moment, and both of them were brave enough to admit that they were as nervous as teenagers, middle-aged though they were.
    But, as usual with Thomas, everything fell into place quite naturally. One Sunday afternoon they just couldn’t hold out any longer.
    And she realised that she was actually a virgin.
    She had had sex many times. But she had never made love before.
    The experience was revolutionary, overpowering, so far from her normal intellectual domain. To be completely and utterly dissolved and merge, not only with another body but in an absolute presence. For a brief time to be blessed with clear vision, to discern the simplicity in the immense mystery of the meaning of life. Overwhelmed by the desire to let down all defences, reveal her vulnerability, and in complete confidence put herself at his disposal, let happen whatever was going to happen. She had never been so close to her innermost core. Where there was no turmoil and no loneliness.
    But when Monday came, fear had taken her over once more.
    She didn’t communicate the whole day. When she listened to her voicemail after the last patient had gone, he had left three messages and sent four text messages. She should have been annoyed. If everything had been as usual, his interest would have been the death knell for their relationship. Instead she only grew more afraid. ‘You’re just being a coward’ didn’t help. Not even ‘Look at it as a challenge’. Her normal ways of tricking herself weren’t working, not this time; the challenge involved risks that were much too great. She was still scared out of her mind. If he dumped her she’d never survive, to have let him in so close and then end up abandoned. It was dangerous to make herself dependent on something that couldn’t be controlled. To reveal herself as profoundly as his intimacy demanded made her more vulnerable than she could bear.

    At twelve thirty that night, when she had still not replied, he was standing outside her door.
    ‘If you don’t want to see me anymore you can tell me to my face, you know, rather than hide behind a mobile that you’ve switched off.’
    For the first time she saw him angry. And she could see how worried he was, how he fought against his own fear.
    She didn’t say a word, just moved into his embrace and began to cry.

    She was lying on his arm. Outside the bedroom window it was starting to become light. She lay as close as she could but it still didn’t seem close enough.
    ‘Do you know what Monika means?’
    She nodded.
    ‘The one who warns.’
    ‘Yes, in Latin. But in Greek it means the lonely one.’
    He turned his head and stroked her forehead with his index finger.
    ‘I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who tries at all costs to live up to her name.’
    She closed her eyes. The lonely one. That’s how it had always been. Until now. And now she wasn’t brave enough to let herself be rescued.
    He sat up and turned his back.
    ‘I’m scared too, don’t you realise that?’
    He had read her thoughts. He had the ability to see straight through her. It was one of his many qualities that she appreciated, but also feared in equal measure. He got up and went over to her bedroom window. Her eyes wandered over his naked skin. How beautiful he was.
    ‘I’ve always been able to weigh the pros and cons, go back and forth about how I should behave, and get dragged into all those stupid games people play so they don’t seem too eager. But that won’t work with you. I’ve