Shame

was genuine intimacy that was hard.
    Sooner or later the balance would always be upset. They would start ringing too often, wanting too much, revealing their expectations and long-term plans. And the greater the interest they showed, the cooler she became. She would observe suspiciously their growing enthusiasm and then cut off the relationship completely. Better to be alone than to be abandoned.
    Some of them had called her the Ice Queen, and she took it as a compliment.
    But then she met Thomas.
    It happened on a train, in the dining car. She had been to visit some friends at their familial idyll in the countryside one weekend, and took the train so she could use the extra time to read up on the new findings about fibromyalgia. On the trip home a gloom settled over her after having observed for forty-eight hours what was missing in her own life. How petty everything had become. She was the type of person who lived her life but who still hadn’t managed to make anything out of it. But on the other hand, how happy did someone like her have the right to be?
    She had gone to the dining car to have a glass of wine, and had ended up staying at one of the tables, on the seat nearest the window. He had sat down across from her. They didn’t say a word, scarcely exchanged a glance. They had both gazed out at the landscape rushing by. And yet her entire being had been aware of his presence. A peculiar sensation of not being alone, the feeling that in the silence they shared they were still keeping each other company. She couldn’t remember ever experiencing anything like this before.
    She stood up when she saw they were approaching the station where she had to get off, and gave him just a quick glance before she went back to her seat to get her bag. On the platform he suddenly came running to catch up with her.
    ‘Wait! You really have to excuse me, but …’
    She stopped in astonishment.
    ‘You probably think I’m crazy, but I just felt that I had to do this.’
    He looked embarrassed but then he gathered up his courage and continued.
    ‘I just wanted to thank you for keeping me company.’
    She didn’t say a word, and he looked even more self-conscious.
    ‘I mean, we sat across from each other in the dining car.’
    ‘I know. Thank you too.’
    His face broke into a big smile when he realised that she recognised him. He sounded almost excited when he went on.
    ‘Excuse me again, but I just had to find out whether you felt it too?’
    ‘What?’
    ‘Well, sort of … I don’t really know how to say it.’
    He looked embarrassed again and she hesitated a bit, but then she nodded slightly and the smile he gave her should have made her run a thousand miles away out of sheer self-preservation. But she just stood there, unable to do anything else.
    ‘Wow!’ he said.
    He looked at her as if she had suddenly popped right up out of the platform, and then he started digging around in his pockets. He pulled out a wrinkled receipt and looked around, grabbing the first person who came by.
    ‘Excuse me, do you have a pen?’
    The woman stopped, set down her briefcase, opened her handbag, and took out a ballpoint pen which looked quite expensive. He quickly scrawled something on the receipt and held it out to Monika.
    ‘Here’s my name and number. I really ought to ask for yours but I don’t dare.’
    The woman with the briefcase had a smile on her lips when she got her pen back and walked away.
    Monika read the note.
    Thomas. And a mobile number.
    ‘And if you don’t call I’ll never go to another Hugh Grant movie for the rest of my life.’
    She couldn’t help but smile.
    ‘So don’t forget, you’re carrying his entire acting career on your shoulders.’

    She had hesitated for a few days. Followed her usual pattern, not wanting to look too eager, but to tell the truth he had been in her thoughts the whole time. Finally she managed to convince herself that it really couldn’t hurt to contact him. They only had to see each other once. The fact that her body was hungering to be touched also made it easier to press those ten numbers on the phone.
    On the third day she sent him a text message.
    ‘Guilt feelings about Hugh becoming intolerable. Can’t stand the responsibility.’
    Her phone rang a minute after she sent the message.
    That same evening they had their first dinner together.

    ‘ Columba livia . Do you know what that is?’
    He smiled and filled her glass.
    ‘No.’
    ‘That’s what carrier