Shame

That’s how it always was when Gray Sr. came home. He became invisible. He even lost his name. Mama called him Cal so’s not to confuse the two of them.
    Not that it really mattered. The man would be gone soon anyway. He never stayed long, even though Mama always begged him to. She even tried to get him to join in. “Tell your father how much you missed him, Cal.” But he never said a word. That seemed to amuse the man. He’d smile, show his big white teeth, and then wink at him.
    Not that he wanted him to wink. No sirree.
    He wasn’t his father, not like the kind of father his friends had. The man didn’t even know his birthday. Mama had reminded him that he had a birthday coming the next week. “That so?” he said. “How old you going to be, boy?”
    Gray could hear their noises coming from the big bedroom. He knew what they were doing. Their sounds made him angry. He started climbing even higher. The branches kept getting thinner, but he didn’t stop. He could still hear his mama. She sounded like a train. And the man kept talking. “You missed that, didn’t you? You like that, don’t you? Show me how much you like it. Show me.”
    The wind was really beginning to blow. Gray held on to a swaying branch. He was sure that if he let go, the wind would carry him away like a bird. His clothes billowed and snapped.
    Lightning lit the sky, and Gray started counting, “One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi...” Thunderstopped his counting, thunder that seemed to shake the tree and set all the leaves to trembling. He was reminded of what Mama always said when she heard thunder, “That’s God talking, and He’s angry.”
    But this time Mama wasn’t making her usual solemn pronouncement. He could hear her cries: “Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, Gawwwwwwd.”
    More lightning, and closer. “One Mississippi, two Mississ—”
    The thunder exploded in his ears. But still no rain. Gray knew he shouldn’t be in a tree when there was lightning around, but he didn’t care. He was as angry as God’s thunder.
    The wind blew. He was just one of the leaves. He lost track of time, finally awoke to the man’s angry voice.
    “Bitch.”
    Their voices carried up to him. There wasn’t enough thunder to drown them out.
    “Gray, I don’t wanna fight....”
    “Then why’d you ask me your damn fool question?”
    “I love you, Gray.”
    First they went at it like cats, then they went at it like cats and dogs. That’s how it always was.
    “You love me putting it to you. That’s all you love.”
    “Don’t talk that way. Don’t make our love dirty. You know I’ll do anything for you. I send you money whenever you ask. And I wait here while you go off to who knows where to do who knows what.”
    “What do you mean?” His voice was mean and sounded like a whip.
    And then the lightning came, and the thunder was right on top of it, and he couldn’t hear their voices for half a minute or so, and when he did, his mama was crying.
    “...article about this Shame fellow, and the picture they had, it looked like you, but I know it wasn’t you, but these women been dying in the same cities I’ve been sending you money, andI’m afraid someone’s going to mistake you for Shame, and all I want you to do is stay here with me and Callie.”
    The words came between sobs, with no start or stop to them.
    “You think I’m the killer?”
    “Oh, no, Gray, I know you’re not. I know how smart you are, and that you’re going to school, but maybe you can stay a while this time. Gray Junior is growing up, you know, and it would be nice—”
    “Truth never meant much to you, did it?”
    “Don’t you start saying nasty things again, Gray.”
    “You spread your legs for me, and you think that’s love. Ever stop to think I only come to this godforsaken place because it’s convenient for me? That’s what it was in the beginning, and that’s what it is now.”
    “Don’t!”
    “Don’t tell the truth? That’s what you mean, don’t you?”
    He could hear his mama’s sobs, could hear his father saying things to her that made her cry all the more, but the winds had shifted. He couldn’t make out all their words. But he made out enough.
    Then the rain finally came. It poured with a vengeance, the water striking him, almost flaying his skin. God wasn’t only angry. He was crying.

25

    E LIZABETH ADJUSTED THE scarf around her neck before stepping out of the car. It was not her usual accessory piece, but