Shatner Rules

employer has reached an age where he is no longer able to notice, yet wants to give the illusion that he does.
    Position responsibilities also include monitoring the corners of employer’s mouth for crumbs, the interior of employer’s nostrils for mucous (wet
and
dry), and employer’s ear canals for buildup of wax and hair, and mitigating other telltale signs of age. Strong interpersonal skills are needed to discreetly inform employer about such things without drawing attention to them. Especially before he goes on camera to tape his hit talk show on the Biography Channel,
Raw Nerve
.
    Other duties include monitoring length of time employer’s car signal is on after vehicle turn has been completed, observing eyes for crust, and shushing.
    Shushing skills will most likely be called upon for theatrical events, where employer has been suffering age-induced loss of indoor voice. Employer was recently at an equestrian show with grandkids that featured a film of a horse being born. Pair of eighty-year-old ears meant employer was unable to carefully monitor his volume while using such explanatory phrases as “afterbirth” and “horse vagina” to his young guests. You will be asked to shush him before strangers do—strangers who will then blog/tweet about it in an embarrassing manner.
    Do you have what it takes to help a man show the world that he still has what it takes? Then apply today. In person, with a cover letter. (Employer not too good with the whole computer thing.)
    Must be good with children, horses, science fiction fans, and William Shatner.

CHAPTER 16
RULE: Don’t Trust the Facebook
    M y mouth hung open in shock, my shocked pupils scanning the computer screen for any sign . . . of me.
    But there was nothing. My identity was gone. Or at least my modern identity was gone. Erased. Forgotten. My Face had been removed from the Book!
    I am, of course, talking about the Facebook.

    FUN FACTNER: Young people often lose the “the” in front of “the Facebook.” They don’t usually properly add it until they hit sixty or so. With age comes wisdom! And perfect grammar!
    I had had my Facebook profile for a few years. I’d been taking quizzes, tending to my Farmville animals, poking and getting poked, and in March of 2011, the overlords inside the fortress at Facebook mountain decided that I was a fake William Shatner and deleted me.
    Deleted!
    Do you know what that feels like, in this modern age? To be deemed a fake? And then entirely erased?
    I’ve been called a fake a few times, but no one
ever
had the powers of deletion over my entire personality. I was an unwitting hero in a Philip K. Dick novel. (ATTENTION HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS HOLDING THE RIGHTS TO VARIOUS PHILIP K. DICK PROPERTIES: I am available if the price is right. We can talk script later.)
    California had recently passed a law making it illegal to impersonate someone on Facebook, and it seemed as though the social networking site had decided to play it safe and delete the most popular William Shatner of all from Facebook. Keep in mind I would happily see the arrest of anyone faking me, and one day hope to glory in the sight of a mug shot labeled POLLAK, KEVIN .
    I didn’t realize it at the time, but there is more than one William Shatner on Facebook. How can you tell us apart? Well, the real William Shatner does not want you to click on that hilarious cat video, nor do I want to meet you in a mall parking lot to “just hang and see what happens.” Although I will meet you in a mall parking lot to watch a hilarious cat video. But it had better be hilarious—my time is precious. How precious? I’m the real William Shatner! The real William Shatner is busy!
    I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t log on to Facebook, because I no longer existed in their eyes.
    Then it hit me—
Paul!
Paul would solve everything!
    I needed to contact my web guru, Paul Camuso. He runs my website, set up my Facebook account, helps me when the computing machine on my desk is doing that beeping thing. Perhaps he could help reinstate the virtual William Shatner and get me back to the important business of poking my friend, the virtual Adrian Zmed.
    Paul, as usual, had some sage advice: Take the issue public. Virtually.
    “But how?” I demanded. “I no longer have an account. I’m no longer me!”
    He reminded me of the other virtual Shatner he had created for me. I harkened back to a conversation with a lovely actress not so long ago . . .
RULE: If