Silence Of The Hams

said carefully. “It was merely that we had only a few, very specific things in common. Like the problem of the deli. Unfortunately, he had a most unpleasant personality.“
    “Did he?“ Jane asked. “I hardly knew him at all. What was he like?“
    “Very opinionated—“ Foster Hanlon said.
    Jane nudged Shelley with her knee to keep her from exploding.
    “—and unwilling to listen to other views,“ Hanlon went on. “In fact, I had rather strong words with him over his proposal to put in bicycle lanes. He felt strongly about it, of course, but was blind to the fact that it would have been terribly expensive to widen the roads and repave them. It would have meant condemning a few feet of property along the entire length of the routes he proposed. The way the city code is drawn up in regard to benefit districts, it would have raised taxes so that the very people who were losing their land would have ended up paying for the loss.”
    Shelley said, “I presume this street was one of the ones he wanted to widen.“
    “Yes, but that’s not the point!“ he said defensively.
    “He lost that battle, didn’t he?“ Jane said.
    This soothed Hanlon. “Yes, I’m glad to say he did. But I believe it was only a temporary setback. He would have brought it up again, I feel certain. Do you know, I heard he was planning to propose that the city council be increased in number and was going to try to get some of his adherents on. Sort of like“—he lowered his voice as if uttering an obscenity—“Roosevelt trying to pack the Supreme Court.“
    “How interesting,“ Jane said. “Where did you hear that?”
    He replied warily. “I don’t recall exactly. Several people mentioned it to me.”
    Jane had a sudden bizarre vision of groups of neighbors holding secret meetings in a deserted farmhouse at night to think up false rumors to pass along to Foster Hanlon just to drive him crazy. Driving dark cars and wearing trenchcoats. Meeting by candlelight with the windows covered. Speaking in whispers. The image tickled her and she couldn’t help but smile.
    Hanlon glared at her. “You find this amusing?“
    “No, no. I’m sorry. I was thinking about something else entirely,“ Jane said. “So you didn’t come to the deli opening with Mr. Stonecipher?“
    “No, I didn’t.“ He kept glancing at his watch nervously, hoping for someone to rescue him, Jane assumed.
    “Why did you go at all?“ Shelley asked. He drew himself up. “It was, I believe, a public event. I was as entitled to come as anyone else.“
    “Of course. But why did you want to go?“ Shelley persisted.
    “To see if the zoning regulations and health codes were being observed,“ he said. He seemed proud, rather than ashamed, of him- self. “This dreadful intrusion of a retail business in a residential neighborhood could be catastrophic to our property values. Yours and mine! And they’re not even respectable people.“
    “Who’s not respectable? What do you mean by that,“ Jane said, her amusement fading.
    “The Bakers. They’re hippies. That’s what I mean. Oh, yes. They started out here, but they didn’t absorb any of the family values of the community.“
    “Excuse me?“ Shelley said.
    Anybody else would have backed off at her tone, but Hanlon plowed on. “They’re just fly-by-nights. No permanent home until they came here. You mark my words, they’ll soon trash that place and trash the whole neighborhood. Pretty soon they’ll start hiring blacks and Mexicans and—”
    Shelley suddenly stood up and headed for the front door. “I’m sorry, Jane. This is all I can take.”
    Jane was right behind her, with Hanlon bringing up the rear, making insincere remarks of gratitude for the lift home mixed up with further warnings about property values and the shortsightedness of people who made no effort to protect their investments.
    The two women leaped into the van and sped off.
    “I feel like I need to soak in a vat of disinfectant,“ Shelley said when she pulled into her driveway. “I’ve already thought of at least sixteen really nasty things to say to him and I’d like to drive straight back there and say them all.“
    “And none of them would make the slightest difference,“ Jane said sadly.
    “No. A bigot is a bigot is a bigot. Ugh! What a thoroughly, bone-deep nasty person he is. Why did you make us do that?“
    “To see if we could learn anything, of course.“
    “Did we?“ Shelley asked with disgust. “Anything we