Silence Of The Hams

wanted to know?”
    Jane thought for a minute. “Only that he wasn’t great chums with Stonecipher—“
    “The man’s never been chums with anyone. Who could stand him for more than five minutes?“
    “—and that he didn’t seem to know who Emma Weyrich was.”
    Shelley waved this away, still furious. “Come on, Jane, if you thought you could get away with pretending you didn’t even know her, wouldn’t you? Not you, of course, but if you were he?“
    “That’s a hideous thought. Being him,“ Jane said.

15

    Shelley arrived at six-thirty for her ride in Mike’s truck. Mike had to show them how everything worked, as if they weren’t capable of figuring it out themselves. “Where are we going?“ Shelley asked when they pulled out of the driveway.
    “There are a couple houses over in the fancy new subdivision just to the west open today. If it’s not too late, I thought we might go gawk,“ Jane replied.
    “Thinking of moving?“ Shelley asked with a laugh.
    “No way on earth. But I like to torture myself with the idea of clean closets and new kitchens. No, the only way I’d leave my house is on a gurney. You know, I cleaned out the upstairs hall closet last week. Took every single thing out, threw half of it away, and the half I kept wouldn’t fit back in. What bizarre law of physics makes closets that way?“
    “I don’t know. But I’ve experienced it myself. Things seem to fluff up just by being taken out and handled. Somebody’s probably got a million-dollar government grant to study it as we speak.”
    They stopped at a light, and a car full of teenagers pulled up next to them, admiring the truck and laughing hysterically at the incongruity of the middle-aged passengers. “Feel a little silly?“ Shelley asked Jane.
    “Wait until we get to the show house and the realtor runs around turning off lights and locking the doors,“ Jane said with a grin.
    They were too late and doors were already locked and lights off when they arrived, so they contented themselves with driving around looking at the outsides of the new homes and imagining what wonders might be within.
    “I’ve been thinking all afternoon about that old jerk Hanlon,“ Shelley confessed as they stopped in front of an enormous house with elaborate landscaping. “Imagine still holding a grudge against Roosevelt more than half a century later. That’s world-class rancor. I want to know what you were grinning about like a Cheshire cat while he was ranting.”
    Jane told her about her vision of neighbors meeting to think up rumors to upset him. “An abandoned hunting lodge, way out in the country, I think,“ she said, giggling.
    Shelley laughed. “A special knock and a password. Like ‘New Deal.’ “
    “ ‘Long live the NRA,’ “ Jane suggested with a laugh.
    “I hate to admit it, but as much as I’d like to see Foster Hanlon blamed for almost anything,“ Shelley said, “I can’t believe he was responsible for Emma’s death. Or even the business of pushing the rack over on Stonecipher. Both of those events were messy. And Hanlon’s too fastidious to be involved in anything messy.”
    Jane had been studying the lawn of the house they were parked in front of while Shelley talked. “And they both took a bit of strength. Not a lot, but he seems so frail. No, I think if he were going to kill someone, he’d just talk to them until they had a stroke out of sheer frustration.“
    “Interesting, though, that he made no bones about not liking Stonecipher.“
    “Oh, he speaks his mind, all right. I think he’s so used to people being offended by what he says that it would never cross his mind that he might actually endanger himself with his opinions. Imagine going through life with people looking shocked or offended or edging away from you every time you expressed one of your opinions. Wouldn’t you catch on eventually that your opinions were pretty nasty?“
    “I don’t think people like him care,“ Shelley said. “They’re so convinced that they’re right. There’s a sort of reforming zeal that appears to motivate them. He probably imagines that they are shocked when he speaks because they’d never thought about it from his view and are going to go home and change their ways, thanks to him.“
    “But he must not have any friends at all.“
    “Oh, I’m sure he does. Other awful people who agree with him that the world is going to hell in a handbasket and if people would only listen to them, everything