Single Lady Spy 01 - The End of Me

thinking not-holy thoughts about the arms dealer who had made me want him.
    I needed to focus on the mean cougar comment from the little shit downstairs. That was a libido killer if anything was.
    I wiped the mirror dry and looked at my naked reflection. I looked good…pretty good. Okay, not nineteen good or however old Coop really was. Between him and James, I was feeling fairly hideous. James had me doubting my self-esteem and Coop had me doubting my wiles. Servario on the other hand, was making me feel pretty and sexy. In fact, he made me think things I only thought about when I was alone with a one-handed read.
    I leaned into the mirror and whispered, "Your kids and your mother need you. This isn’t about revenge sex. You have more self-respect than to let a man have you and not love you. Try to remember that.”
    My libido had gone a long time without any loving and was prepared to wrestle over the matter. It made comments fly through my brain like, 'sex is not love' and 'sometimes a little loving can help you get past things or clear your head'.
    I was already justifying dry humping a criminal and possibly enjoying every second of it. His thick arms and sexy lips made me think there was no ‘possibly‘—I was going to enjoy it. I was going to savor it, like it would be the last time. Of course with him, there was a huge chance it might be the last time. Not to mention, I clearly wasn’t great at it, James had fucked everything that moved for a reason.
    I grinned at myself like a Cheshire cat, "Who better than to learn dirty shit from, than a bad man who I would end up killing anyway?"
    I was letting my vagina do all the talking. I turned on the cold water and splashed it on my face and then pointed at my dripping face in the mirror, "Stop."
    I distracted myself with the routine I used to do when getting ready, before marriage and yoga pants.
    I put on body cream and deodorant and then styled my hair and straightened it. I ran my finger through the long, dark silk, it almost felt as good as it had when I was young.
    I put on makeup and stepped back, looking down at my wedding ring and grimaced. I must have put it on subconsciously, again. I had been doing it for weeks. I pulled it off and put it in the drawer to prevent that same mistake. I would save it and give it to Jules when she got older, as long as she never found out the truth about her father. If she did, she might not want the damned thing.
    I felt the need for a dirty, big cry poking around inside of me. I could probably save that for after I murdered the fat guy; I was going to need something then anyway.
    I looked at myself appraisingly , I could do it . I could kill the fat man to save my kids. He was probably a bad man anyway. Nothing mattered but my kids’ safety. The whole point was that we would get through this, no matter what I had to do.
    I left the bathroom naked and crossed to my closet, where I picked out some matching panties and bra. I slipped on a knee-length skirt and a pale pink blouse. I finished with ballet flats and walked out. I looked at myself in the mirror and nodded. I looked pretty but innocent. I had gotten the outfit at Target and hadn’t yet been able to wear it. It was a sensible choice; the flats would guarantee I could run and the blouse was baggy, in case I needed to bring a gun and have it tucked in my back.
    Yay, all the old thoughts and all the old actions were fitting back nicely in my brain.
    "You look pretty."
    I jumped, "Stop doing that."
    Coop grinned from the bed and watched me.
    I scowled, "And get off my bed."
    He laughed, "I came to tell you it was time to go and you streak across the room naked—and looking good by the way. I might take back that cougar comment, if I thought it might do me any good."
    My face flushed, "You can’t take back cougar. That’s permanent damage." I turned and walked out of the room, forcing myself to chant cougar cougar cougar. I didn’t need to add young, hot agent to my list of things that triggered my instability and raging hormones. The adrenaline was getting to me. It was how James and I had hooked up in the first place. I had a thing for the thrill and the sex afterward.
    I made it to the bottom stair before he was there. He grabbed my hand and spun me, "I'm sorry. I didn’t know that you didn’t know you were a cougar."
    I gasped and dragged my hand away from him, "Cougars are forty. Forty and up."
    He raised his eyebrows and then nodded, "Okay."
    I felt