Snuff
trees in the way. It was even possible to make out the tall cloud of smoke and fumes that rose from the city of Ankh-Morpork.
âThis is Hangmanâs Hill,â said Willikins, as Vimes got his breath back. âAnd you might not want to go any further,â he said as they neared the summit, âunless, that is, you want to explain to your young lad what a gibbet is.â
Vimes looked questioningly at his servant. âReally?â
âWell, as I say, this is Hangmanâs Hill. Why do you think they named it that, sir? âBlack Jackâ Ramkin was regrettably mistaken when he made an enormous drunken wager with one of his equally drunk drinking pals that he could see the smoke of the city from his estate. He was told by a surveyor, who had tested the hypothesis, that the hill was thirty feet too short. Pausing only to attempt to bribe the surveyor and when unsuccessful to subsequently horsewhip the same, he rallied all the working men from this estate and all the others round here and set them to raise the hill by the aforesaid thirty feet, a most ambitious project. It cost a fortune, of course, but every family in the district probably got warm winter clothes and new boots out of it. It made him very popular, and of course he won his bet.â
Vimes sighed. âSomehow I think I know the answer to this, but Iâm going to ask anyway: how much was the bet?â
âTwo gallons of brandy,â said Willikins triumphantly, âwhich he drank in one go while standing on this very spot, to the cheers of the assembled workforce, and then, according to legend, rolled all the way down to the bottom, to more cheers.â
âEven when I was a boozer I donât think I could have taken two gallons of brandy,â said Vimes. âThatâs twelve bottles!â
âWell, toward the end I expect a lot of it went down his trousers, one way or the other. There were plenty like him, even soâ¦â
âAll down his trousers,â Young Sam piped up, and dissolved into that curious hoarse laughter of a six-year-old who thinks he has heard something naughty. And by the sound of it the workmen who had cheered the old drunk had thought the same way. Cheering a man drinking a yearâs wages in one go? What was the point?
Willikins must have read his thoughts. âThe country isnât as subtle as the city, commander. They like big and straightforward things here, and Black Jack was as big and as straight as you could hope for. Thatâs why they liked him, because they knew where they stood, even if he was about to fall down. I bet they boasted about him all over the Shires. I can just imagine it. Our drunken old lord can outdrink your drunken old lord any day of the week , and they would be proud of it. Iâm sure you thought you were doing the right thing when you shook hands with the gardener, but you puzzled people. They donât know what to make of you. Are you a man or a master? Are you a nob or one of them? Because, commander, from where they sit no man can be both. It would be against nature. And the countryside doesnât like puzzles, either.â
âBig puzzled trousers!â said Young Sam and fell on the grass, overwhelmed with humor.
âI donât know what to make of me either,â said Vimes, picking up his son and following Willikins down the slope. âBut Sybil does. Sheâs got me marked down for balls, dances, dinners, and, oh yes, soirées,â he finished, in the tones of a man genetically programmed to distrust any word with an acute accent in it. âI mean, that sort of thing in the city Iâve come to terms with. If I reckon that itâs going to be too bloody dreadful I make certain I get called out in an emergency halfway throughâat least I used to, before Sybil twigged on. Itâs a terrible thing when a manâs employees take their orders from his wife, you know?â
âYes, commander. She has given the kitchen staff orders that no bacon sandwiches are to be prepared without her express permission.â
Vimes winced. âYou brought the little cookery kit, didnât you?â
âUnfortunately, her ladyship knows about our little cookery kit, commander. She has forbidden the kitchen to give me bacon unless the order comes directly from her.â
âHonestly, sheâs as bad as Vetinari! How does she find out all this stuff?â
âAs a matter of fact,
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