Snuff

snot, and in the other he had his own small snuffbox. How hilarious would it be if he’d mixed them up?
    Jiminy certainly reacted when he saw it, although he probably thought he hadn’t. There is a subtle difference between hiding your reaction and showing that you are hiding your reaction.
    â€œAll right, all right, Mr. Vimes, you’re right. We don’t have to play games, old coppers like us. I give in. I know what that is. Seen one like it recently, as a matter of fact.”
    â€œAnd?”
    â€œI can give you a name, Mr. Vimes. ’Cos why? Cause he’s a nut job, a toe rag, and he ain’t from around here. Name of Stratford, or so they call him. A knife cove, the kind of bloke you never want to see walk through your pub door, I don’t mind telling you. He isn’t often here, thank goodness. The other day was the first time I’ve seen him in months. I don’t know where he kips, but the snotty bugger he was hanging out with is called Ted Flutter, works for young Lord Rust up at Hangnail. His lordship is big in tobacco, so they tell me.” Jiminy stopped.
    Vimes interpreted this in exactly the way Jiminy wanted, he was sure. Lord Rust was up to something, Jiminy was insinuating, and throwing a bone to Vimes to get the man off his back. Some people would have thought this despicable, but the man was an ex-policeman, after all.
    Jiminy gave a little cough as he endeavored to find another victim for Vimes to pursue. “But Flutter, well, you know, he’s just a bloke. If someone needs help for something or other, he’s the kind of bloke who’d be the lookout or be told to take away the bones. When not up to mischief I think he hangs wallpaper and runs a turkey farm up on the road toward Overhang. You can’t miss it, it’s a stinky ol’ place and he doesn’t take care of his birds. Not entirely all there, in my opinion.”
    Vimes seized his opening. “Tobacco, eh? Oh yes, Mr. Jiminy, I did think I smelled rather more tobacco down here than might otherwise be expected, and, of course, as a policeman, it’s something that I’ll have to look into, perhaps, when time allows.” He winked, and Jiminy nodded knowingly.
    With the atmosphere now tentatively upbeat, Jiminy said, “They brings a few barrels up here some nights and then picks it up again as and when. All right, I know it’s the revenue and all that, but I don’t see the harm. And since we understand one another so well, Mr. Vimes, I’ve been here for only three years. I know there was some stuff way back, maybe they did scrag a few goblins, I don’t know, not my business. Don’t know why, don’t know who, if you get my meaning?” Jiminy was sweating like a pig, Vimes noticed.
    There are times when reacting the way that simple, common decency requires fails to serve a higher purpose, and because of this Vimes merely gave the man a little smile and said, “One day, Mr. Jiminy, I’ll bring a lady here. I think she’d be very interested to see your establishment.”
    Jiminy was puzzled but had the grace to say, “I’ll look forward to it, commander.”
    â€œWhat I’m trying to say,” said Vimes, “is that if this pub still has the head of a goblin hanging over the bar the next time I’m here there’ll be a mysterious fire, do you understand? No doubt you want to keep in with young Lord Rust and his chums, because it always pays to keep in with the powerful. I know that well enough. You’ll find me a good friend, Mr. Jiminy, and I’d like to suggest to you that it would not be in your interest to have Commander Vimes as your enemy. Just a word to the wise, you know, one copper to another.”
    With forced cheerfulness Jiminy said, in a voice that dripped butter and sugar, “No one ever said that Constable Jiminy didn’t know how the wind was blowing, and since you’ve been so gracious as to visit my humble establishment I think I can take the view that the wind has begun to blow due Vimes.”
    Vimes lifted the cellar hatch to depart and said, “Oh, so do I, Mr. Jiminy, so do I, and if ever the weathercock decides to blow the other way, I’ll bite its bloody head off.”
    Jiminy smiled uncertainly and said, “Do you have jurisdiction here, commander?”
    And was dragged by the shirt to within an inch of Vimes’s face, eyeball to eyeball, and Vimes