Soul Beach

cheerleader chic. Sometimes I try to talk to her about big stuff – whether she believes in life after death, or parallel worlds, and she just sighs and says, ‘The hoaxer who sent those bloody Soul Beach emails has a lot to answer for.’ And then she very obviously starts talking about clothes or music or make-up – ‘You know, the stuff you used to love, Alice. Normal stuff.’
    As if normal is something I’d still actually want.
    After class, I keep my head down. I prefer to walk home alone. I don’t want to gossip or talk about boys, and I especially don’t want to hear about Robbie seeing someone else. I hate reminders of the life I used to have.
    ‘Wait, Alice.’
    Cara is there, with a tall, skinny guy I half-recognise. A new boyfriend? These days she churns and burns her way through them so fast that I can’t keep up with their names, though I try, for her sake. It’s not her fault that her best friend has turned into the very worst kind of beach bum.
    She’s walking alongside me, keeping up, even though I am going as fast as I can. ‘Look who I bumped into,’ she says. ‘Remember Lewis?’
    I nod at the guy, without slowing down. ‘Hi.’ I wave. ‘Sorry, I’m in a hurry.’
    I do remember him now. He’s the geeky one, Robbie’s brother’s mate. Rich as an Arab Prince, so the rumours go, though you’d never know it to look at him. Old trainers, no label jeans, dirt-brown stand-on-end hair. Thick, curious eyebrows that are twisted in a permanent question. He seems to be going out of his way to look ordinary. Maybe that’s to stop the gold-digging girls coming after him and his bank account.
    Cara’s getting out of breath – the nightly sessions with the cute fitness trainer didn’t last long – but she’s not letting me get away. ‘Don’t go, Allie. It’s been ages since we chatted.’
    I stop suddenly. ‘Is this an ambush?’
    Lewis looks down at his dirty trainers. Cara says nothing.
    ‘That’ll be a yes, then, will it?’
    Cara shrugs. ‘You can call it that if you like. I’d call it your friends being worried about you and wanting to help.’
    I can’t look her in the face. Is this what I’ve become? The kind of person who accuses her best friend of ambushing her, when all Cara wants is to let me know I’m not alone.
    Little does she know how far from alone I am.
    I’m about to apologise, when I realise why Lewis is here. ‘Robbie sent you?’ I ask him, and despite what’s happened, it makes me feel a bit dizzy to know my ex still cares.
    Lewis looks up briefly. His eyes are incredibly dark. Like a camera lens, they seem to reflect myself back to me, and I don’t know if I like the person I’ve become.
    ‘ I asked Robbie to talk to Lewis,’ Cara explains. ‘It’s that phony site, isn’t it? You were doing OK until you started getting the weird emails and now I can’t even talk to you any more.’
    The mention of Soul Beach makes me catch my breath. It’s mine . My secret. The only thing that’s keeping me going. ‘Rubbish. You don’t know what you’re talking about, Cara.’
    I turn my back on them.
    ‘Alice, your mates are worried about you.’ It’s Lewis.
    I sigh. I wish people would just give me up as a bad job, it’d make things so much easier. ‘I don’t know what they’ve told you, Lewis, but I just happen to be a normal girl with a dead sister and I can’t help it if my friends don’t think I’m getting better fast enough for their liking. Do I really look so shallow that some crappy emails would make any difference to how I feel?’
    He holds out his arms as if to say, none of my business, I’m only doing someone a favour. Funny, I remembered him as ganglier and nerdier , but he seems self-assured.
    ‘It’s nice of you to play Good Samaritan, but I promise you I don’t need help from you, or from the Pope or from Barack Obama or the Tooth Fairy. I need time, OK, and if my mates are getting impatient, well, that’s their problem, not mine, right?’
    Cara shakes her head. I can’t be sure but I think she might be about to cry.
    ‘Right, Cara?’
    This time when I turn round and walk away, I mean it. Even though I can feel tears in my own eyes, and even though I know that this time I really have gone too far, I try to convince myself it’s for the best. Yes, she’s my friend and she’s trying to do her best for me. But perhaps being cruel to be kind is better for her. She can find new friends.
    I can’t find a new sister.