Stiff Upper Lip, Jeeves

added a Boxing Blue to his Football Blue when at the old Alma Mater. There was a brief mix-up, and the next thing one observed was Spode on the ground, looking like a corpse which had been in the water several days. His left eye was swelling visibly, and a referee could have counted a hundred over him without eliciting a response.
    Stiffy, with a brief ‘At-a-boy!’, led Stinker off, no doubt to bathe his nose and staunch the vital flow, which was considerable, and I handed Gussie his glasses. He stood twiddling them in a sort of trance, and I made a suggestion which I felt was in his best interests.
    ‘Not presuming to dictate, Gussie, but wouldn’t it be wise to remove yourself before Spode comes to? From what I know of him, I think he’s one of those fellows who wake up cross.’
    I have seldom seen anyone move quicker. We were out of the yew alley, if it was a yew alley, or the rhododendron walk, if that’s what it was, almost before the words had left my lips. We continued to set a good pace, but eventually we slowed up a bit, and he was able to comment on the recent scene.
    ‘That was a ghastly experience, Bertie,’ he said.
    ‘Can’t have been at all pleasant,’ I agreed.
    ‘My whole past life seemed to flash before me.’
    ‘That’s odd. You weren’t drowning.’
    ‘No, but the principle’s the same. I can tell you I was thankful when Pinker made his presence felt. What a splendid chap he is.’
    ‘One of the best.’
    ‘That’s what today’s Church needs, more curates capable of hauling off and letting fellows like Spode have it where it does most good. One feels so safe when he’s around.’
    I put a point which seemed to have escaped his notice.
    ‘But he won’t always be around. He has Infants Bible Classes and Mothers Meetings and all that sort of thing to occupy his time. And don’t forget that Spode, though crushed to earth, will rise again.’
    His jaw sagged a bit.
    ‘I never thought of that.’
    ‘If you take my advice, you’ll clear out and go underground for a while. Stiffy would lend you her car.’
    ‘I believe you’re right,’ he said, adding something about out of the mouths of babes and sucklings which I thought a bit offensive. Til leave this evening.’
    ‘Without saying goodbye.’
    ‘Of course without saying goodbye. No, don’t go that way. Keep bearing to the left. I want to go to the kitchen garden. I told Em I’d meet her there.’
    ‘You told n>hor
    ‘Emerald Stoker. Who did you think I meant? She had to go to the kitchen garden and gather beans and things for tonight’s dinner.’
    And there, sure enough, she was with a large basin in her hands, busy about her domestic duties.
    ‘Here’s Bertie, Em,’ said Gussie, and she whisked round, spilling a bean or two.
    I was disturbed to see how every freckle on her face lit up as she looked at him, as if she were gazing on some lovely sight, which was far from being the case. In* me she didn’t seem much interested. A brief ‘Hullo, Bertie’ appeared to cover it as far as I was concerned, her whole attention being earmarked for Gussie. She was staring at him as a mother might have stared at a loved child who had shown up at the home after a clash with one of the neighbourhood children. Until then I had been too agitated to notice how dishevelled his encounter with Spode had left him, but I now saw that his general appearance was that of something that has been passed through a wringer.
    ‘What… what have you been doing to yourself?’ she ejaculated, if that’s the word. ‘You look like a devastated area.’
    ‘Inevitable in the circs,’ I said. ‘He’s been having a spot of unpleasantness with Spode.’
    ‘Is that the man you were telling me about? The human gorilla?’
    ‘That’s the one.’
    ‘What happened?’
    ‘Spode tried to shake the stuffing out of him.’
    ‘You poor precious lambkin,’ said Emerald, addressing Gussie, not me. ‘Gosh, I wish I had him here for a minute. I’d teach him!’
    And by what I have always thought an odd coincidence her wish was granted. A crashing sound like that made by a herd of hippopotami going through the reeds on a river bank attracted my notice and I beheld Spode approaching at a rate of knots with the obvious intention of resuming at as early a date as possible his investigations into the colour of Gussie’s insides which Stinker’s intervention had compelled him to file under the head of unfinished business. In predicting that this