Take Care, Sara

falling again; falling on the inside, falling on the outside.
    The world swayed and Sara sank to the cool floor, shaking and dizzy. Her eyes wouldn’t focus, the buzzing in her ears was now a roar, and she thought she was going to vomit. She leaned her head forward and a flash of his lifeless face greeted her. Sara whimpered, covering her face with her hands and rocking forward and backward.
    She sat there, images and words and emotions hitting her one after another, overlapping and melding into a collage of him that was heartbreaking to endure. The way his laugh had made her laugh. His eyes that had always looked at her so intently, so focused on her and nothing else. His arms, warm and sure, enveloping her within them, making her feel safe. The way his kisses had taken her breath and given her life at the same time.
    Never again.
    The arms wrapped around her from behind, two muscled thighs cocooned her frame. Sara stiffened. Her first inclination was to move away, but she couldn’t, not this time. She needed to feel a connection with another human and she knew Lincoln needed it as well. It fit, somehow, that they should mourn together. Sara’s hands gripped his forearms of their own accord, and when he rested his chin on her shoulder, she felt the tears from his eyes dampen her skin through her thin shirt. His citrus scent was familiar and welcomed; the feel of his soft hair against her cheek a caress of empathy. She slowly relaxed, her eyelids sliding shut. Lincoln’s chest trembled against her back and she cried for Lincoln as much as she cried for herself and for him.
    Time ticked by, slow and painful; that horrible thing inescapable no matter how much she wanted to. They quietly grieved him and each other. He was gone, and so was a part of her, and so was a part of Lincoln. Sara inhaled and exhaled, gently pulling away. She moved down a step, still sitting with her back to Lincoln, but not touching.
    “He always wanted to be more like you. He said you had all the brains and talent and he just had the brawn. He said it annoyed the piss out of him because he was the older brother and you were supposed to look up to him, not the other way around,” Sara said softly, staring at the white wall.
    A long pause ensued before Lincoln said brokenly, “I looked up to him.”
    She nodded, blinking her eyes against the endless tears. “He knew you did. He loved you so much, Lincoln. If we…” Sara swallowed as a fresh wave of pain washed over her; a different kind of pain, but as profound as the pain of losing him. The pain of a lost child never held, never seen. “If we’d had a baby, he said he hoped he or she took after you more than him. He said, of course, he or she could take after me however much they wanted.” Her voice cracked.
    Lincoln didn’t say anything for a long time. Sara knew why. If he tried to talk, he would break down, lose control. She’d been there. She was there now.
    His voice was strained when he finally said, “Come on. Let’s get a cup of coffee. Or not. I don’t care. As long as we leave here. I don’t want you to be alone. And I don’t want to be alone either.”
    She heard and felt him move behind her and a hand appeared before her face. Sara looked up, flinching at the damaged look of Lincoln. His shoulders were hunched as though to protect himself against unfathomable anguish and there were brackets around his lips. Without thought, Sara stood and grabbed him, pulling his stiff body to her. He slowly hugged her back and when he did, it was crushing, but essential. They were struggling, both of them. It was real. How could it be real?
    “I don’t want to be alone,” Sara whispered. If she was alone, she feared she’d disappear and never come back. She’d lose herself and be trapped within herself, like him. Sara would disintegrate.
    She began to walk down the steps, her legs stiff, her movements jerky. The walls and stairs moved around her, shrinking and growing before her, and she paused as a wave of dizziness plowed into her.
    “Sara?”
    He’s gone . Sara closed her eyes, swaying back and into Lincoln. His hands gripped her shoulders and steadied her. Nausea formed in her stomach and Sara stumbled down the rest of the stairs and outside, falling to her knees and retching in the bushes beside the tan-stoned hospital.
    She dry-heaved long after the small amount of food in her stomach was gone. An acidic taste in her mouth and over her teeth and tongue, Sara