The Alchemy of Forever

freezing, Kailey.”
    “I’ll keep you warm,” I tell him boldly, arching an eyebrow.
    We head into the city, taking it slow across the Bay Bridge. It’s oddly free of traffic, but the fog is even thicker as we drive over the bay. The lights from downtown are smudged and diffuse, and I’m reminded of fireworks, how July in San Francisco is no guarantee against an overcast evening. Revelers on the Fourth, wrapped in warm jackets, with nothing to cheer except muffled booms and the brief suggestion of color in the misty sky. Cyrus hated that. He loved fireworks, but to me, they were too loud, too much like real explosions.
    In Richmond, we get dinner from a Thai restaurant and walk toward the beach. The closer we get to the water, the more deserted it feels, like we’re in some sleepy tourist town in winter. The pedestrian traffic and honking horns of downtown feel very far away. We pass apartment buildings and motels that were built in the 1960s, with cheesy names like the Beachcomber and Mermaid’s Cove. The sidewalks grow gritty with sand.
    At Ocean Beach, we find the remains of a bonfire that some optimistic person must have built, hoping for a nice evening. Noah disappears for a few minutes and returns with an armful of driftwood.
    “I have triumphed,” he informs me. “You shall be warm.” He hunkers down next to me, and we eat coconut rice and stir-fried chicken with spicy chiles and basil, then lean back on one of the logs, bellies satisfied and warm.
    I watch his profile in the orange light from the fire. His dark hair grazes his chin, wavy in the damp air and salt. He pushes it back to reveal his strong jaw, his thick brows. My sea prince, I think, remembering those hours I spent on the ship from Barbados to New Amsterdam. How close I came to jumping overboard, to chasing a fickle sunbeam down into the deep.
    I don’t plan on going into the water. But everyone will need to think I did.
    I shiver, and Noah puts his arm around me. “What’s the matter? Someone walked over your grave?”
    Yes, I think. I did.
    A thought occurs to me, a question I need to ask. “Noah, would you still like me if I looked like someone else?”
    He sits up and looks me in the eyes. “What do you mean?”
    “I don’t know—like if I had a completely different body. If I looked like Leyla, maybe. Or Nicole. But I was still me.”
    He cups my jaw. “This is a really weird conversation. But okay.” He thinks for a moment. “I’m trying to imagine you with a different face.”
    I gaze at him serenely, but he starts laughing. “I can’t do it, Kailey.”
    “Okay, fine.” I pretend to pout.
    “You want me to be serious? I’m going to be serious. I’ve known you almost my entire life. I probably know your face better then my own. But you have a spark that I’d know anywhere.” He pauses. “So yes, even if you looked different, I’d still love—”
    He breaks off, embarrassed. “I can’t believe I just said that.”
    “Do you mean it?” I ask, my heart thumping.
    He looks down, but I put my hand to his cheek and tilt his eyes back toward me.
    “This is no time to leave things unsaid.” Maybe I’ll never have a moment like this again. It isn’t fair to him, I know. But I can’t help it.
    He’s staring in the direction of the water, distant waves breaking like static. He won’t look at me, but he takes my hand. It’s enough. It’s a sweet dream I can pull out and examine in the lonely days I know I have ahead.
    “You don’t have to say anything,” I allow. “Let’s walk. I want to go look at the Golden Gate Bridge.”
    Walking warms us up, but the top of the bridge is whipped by chilling wind. It doesn’t seem to affect the fog, though, which curls around the orange metal structure in wisps. “It’s so far down,” I observe, shivering. I wrap my arm around Noah’s waist.
    “Not like you can see anything through this fog,” he adds. Droplets of mist cling to our hair. He shivers. “Let’s go home.”
    I take a deep breath. It’s time.
    “You can go. I think I’ll stay awhile. I need some time to myself.” I try to make my tone casual, like this was the most normal request in the world.
    “What? No. It’s not safe. I’ll stay with you.”
    “No, really, Noah. I want to be alone. I’ll be fine.”
    “What if something happens to you? No, it’s crazy.” His tone is firm.
    “I come out here all the time by myself. Seriously. It’s safer here than it is in Berkeley.” I try