The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents

knock back, what are they going to think is up here?' said Maurice. 'An extremely heavy beetle?'
    Malicia went uncharacteristically silent for a moment. Then she said: 'Good point, good point. I know, I'll shout "It's me, Malicia!" and then give the secret knock, and that way you'll know it's me and you can give the secret knock back. OK?'
    'Why don't we just say "Hello, we're up here"? said Keith innocently.
    Malicia sighed. 'Don't you have any sense of drama? Look, my father's gone off to the Rathaus to see the other council members. He said the crockery was the last straw!'
    'The crockery?' said Maurice. 'You told him about Sardines?'
    'I had to say I'd been frightened by a huge rat and tried to climb up the dresser to escape,' said Malicia.
    'You lied?'
    'I just told a story,' said Malicia, calmly. 'It was a good one, too. It was much more true than the truth would sound. A tap-dancing rat? Anyway, he wasn't really interested because there's been a lot of complaints today. Your tame rats are really upsetting people. I am gloating.'
    'They're not our rats, they're their rats,' said Keith.
    'And they always work fast,' said Maurice proudly. 'They don't mess about when it comes to… messing about.'
    'One town we were in last month, the council advertised for a rat piper the very next morning,' said Keith. 'That was Sardines' big day.'
    'My father shouted a lot and sent for Blunkett and Spears, too,' said Malicia. 'They're the rat-catchers! And you know what that means, don't you?'
    Maurice and Keith looked at one another. 'Let's pretend we don't,' said Maurice.
    'It means we can break into their shed and solve the mystery of the bootlace tails!' said Malicia. She gave Maurice a critical look. 'Of course, it would be more… satisfying if we were four children and a dog, which is the right number for an adventure, but we'll make do with what we've got.'
    'Hey, we just steal from governments!' said Maurice.
    'Er, only governments who aren't people's fathers, obviously,' said Keith.
    'So?' said Malicia, giving Keith an odd look.
    'That's not the same as being criminals!' said Maurice.
    'Ah, but when we've got the evidence, we can take it to the council and then it won't be criminal at all because we will be saving the day,' said Malicia, with weary patience. 'Of course, it may be that the council and the Watch are in league with the rat-catchers, so we shouldn't trust anyone . Really, haven't you people ever read a book? It'll be dark soon, and I'll come over and pick you up and we can shimmy the nodger.'
    'Can we?' said Keith.
    'Yes. With a hairpin,' said Malicia. 'I know it's possible, because I've read about it hundreds of times.'
    'What kind of nodger is it?' said Maurice.
    'A big one,' said Malicia. 'That makes it easier, of course.' She turned round abruptly and ran out of the stables.
    'Maurice?' said Keith.
    'Yes?' said the cat.
    'What is a nodger and how do you shimmy it?'
    'I don't know. A lock, maybe?'
    'But you said-'
    'Yes, but I was just trying to keep her talking in case she turned violent,' said Maurice. 'She's gone in the head, if you ask me. She's one of those people like… actors. You know. Acting all the time. Not living in the real world at all. Like it's all a big story. Dangerous Beans is a bit like that. Highly dangerous person, in my opinion.'
    'He's a very kind and thoughtful rat!'
    'Ah, yes, but the trouble is, see, that he thinks everyone else is like him. People like that are bad news, kid. And our lady friend, she thinks life works like a fairytale.'
    'Well, that's harmless, isn't it?' said Keith.
    'Yeah, but in fairy-tales, when someone dies… it's just a word.'
    The No. 3 Heavy Widdlers squad were taking a rest, and they'd run out of ammunition in any case. No-one felt like going past the trap to the trickle of water that dripped down the wall. And no-one liked looking at what was in the trap.
    'Poor old Fresh,' said a rat. 'He was a good rat.'
    'Should've paid attention to where he was going, though,' said another rat.
    'Thought he knew it all,' said yet another rat. 'A decent rat, though, if a bit smelly.'
    'So let's get him out of the trap, shall we?' said the first rat. 'Doesn't seem right, leaving him in there like that.'
    'Yes. Especially since we're hungry.'
    One of the rats said, 'Dangerous Beans says we shouldn't eat rat at all.'
    Another rat said, 'No, it's only if you don't know what they died of, 'cos they might have died of poison.'
    Another rat said, 'And we know what he