The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents

the street and someone yells, "Go for your piccolo, mister!" and I turn around, and it's always a kid like you with a stupid-looking face. Now, I don't want anyone to say I'm an unfair man, kid, so if you'd just care to apologize you might walk away from here with the same number of legs you started with '
    'You're frightened .' Malicia stepped out of the crowd.
    The piper grinned at her. 'Yeah?' he said.
    'Yes, because everyone knows what happens at a time like this. Let me ask this stupid-looking kid, who I've never seen before: are you an orphan?'
    'Yes,' said Keith.
    'Do you know nothing about your background at all?'
    'No.'
    'Aha!' said Malicia. 'That proves it! We all know what happens when a mysterious orphan turns up and challenges someone big and powerful, don't we? It's like being the third and youngest son of a king. He can't help but win!'
    She looked triumphantly at the crowd. But the crowd looked doubtful. They hadn't read as many stories as Malicia, and were rather attached to the experience of real life, which is that when someone small and righteous takes on someone big and nasty he is grilled bread product, very quickly.
    However, someone at the back shouted, 'Give the stupid-looking kid a chance! At least he'll be cheaper!' and someone else shouted, 'Yes, that's right!' and someone else shouted, 'I agree with the other two!' and no-one seemed to notice that all the voices came from near ground level or were associated with the progress around the crowd of a scruffy-looking cat with half its fur missing. Instead, there was a general murmuring, no real words, nothing that would get anyone into trouble if the piper turned nasty, but a muttering indicating, in a general sense, without wishing to cause umbrage, and seeing everyone's point of view, and taking one thing with another, and all things being equal, that people would like to see the boy given a chance, if it's all right with you, no offence meant.
    The piper shrugged. 'Fine,' he said. 'It'll be something to talk about. And when I win, what will I get?'
    The mayor coughed. 'Is a daughter's hand in marriage usual in these circumstances?' he said. 'She has very good teeth, and would make a goo-a wife for anyone with plenty of free wall space-'
    'Father!' said Malicia.
    'Later on, later on, obviously,' said the mayor. 'He's unpleasant, but he is rich.'
    'No, I'll just take my payment,' said the piper. 'One way or another.'
    'And I said we can't afford it!' said the mayor.
    'And I said one way or the other,' said the piper. 'And you, kid?'
    'Your rat pipe,' said Keith.
    'No. It's magic, kid.'
    'Then why are you scared to bet it?'
    The piper narrowed his eyes. 'OK, then,' he said.
    'And the town must let me solve its rat problem,' said Keith.
    'And how much will you charge?' said the mayor.
    'Thirty gold pieces! Thirty gold pieces. Go on, say it!' shouted a voice at the back of the crowd.
    'No, I won't cost you a thing,' said Keith.
    'Idiot!' shouted the voice in the crowd. People looked around, puzzled.
    'Nothing at all?' said the mayor.
    'No, nothing.'
    'Er… the hand-in-marriage thing is still on offer, if you-'
    'Father!'
    'No, that only happens in stories,' said Keith. 'And I shall also bring back a lot of the food that the rats stole.'
    'They ate it!' said the mayor. 'What're you going to do, stick your fingers down their throats?'
    'I said that I'll solve your rat problem,' said Keith. 'Agreed, Mr Mayor?'
    'Well, if you're not charging-'
    'But first, I shall need to borrow a pipe,' Keith went on.
    'You haven't got one?' said the mayor.
    'It got broken.'
    Corporal Knopf nudged the mayor. 'I've got a trombone from when I was in the army,' he said. 'It won't take a mo to nip and get it.'
    The rat piper burst out laughing.
    'Doesn't that count?' said the mayor, as Corporal Knopf hurried off.
    'What? A trombone for charming rats? No, no, let him try. Can't blame a kid for trying. Good with a trombone, are you?'
    'I don't know,' said Keith.
    'What do you mean, you don't know?'
    'I mean, I've never played one. I'd be a lot happier with a flute, trumpet, piccolo or Lancre bagpipe, but I've seen people playing the trombone and it doesn't look too difficult. It's only an overgrown trumpet, really.'
    'Hah!' said the piper.
    The watchman came running back, rubbing a battered trombone with his sleeve and therefore making it just a bit more grimy. Keith took it, wiped the mouthpiece, put it to his mouth, pressed the keys a few times and then blew one long