The Dinosaur Feather

shameful moment of her life to Johannes.
    Lily was eleven months old and could say ‘Dad’ and ‘Mum’ and ‘hi’ though she still didn’t walk. One Saturday, when Anna and Lily came back from baby-swimming, Thomas’s stuff was gone. She had been out for four hours. The hi-fi and two framed posters were missing from the living room, the espresso maker had gone from the kitchen, and Thomas’s room was empty. On the floor was a box containing the instructions to the dishwasher and the warranty for the blender. He called her later to say: ‘We’re not together any more.’ How stupid did he think she was?
    The shock hit her that night and lasted three months. She couldn’t sleep and kept shaking all over, she sweated and had palpitations. Lily cried and cried and wanted to get into Thomas’s room. Anna tried to breastfeed her and kiss her clammy forehead, reassuring her that everything would be all right, but Lily just screamed even louder. Seeing her eleven-month-old daughter grieve was the worst thing Anna had ever experienced, and she had no idea how to console her. The latch on Thomas’s door was worn and the door kept opening of its own accord. Lily would crawl in and sit on the wooden floor, rocking back and forth, in an attempt to comfort herself. Finally, Anna nailed the door shut.
    ‘Come on, darling, have some food,’ she whispered, but whenever Lily saw Anna’s breasts, which she used to worship, she would howl. At last, Anna squeezed out a drop of milk and tasted it. It was bitter. After four days of hell, she called Jens, who called Cecilie, and an hour later, Cecilie moved in. Cecilie wanted to open the door to Thomas’s room, but Anna threw a fit. Eventually Cecilie gave up and the door remained closed.
    ‘It must have been hard for you both,’ Johannes said, when she had finished.
    ‘For me and Cecilie or for me and Lily?’ Anna asked.
    ‘No, for you and Thomas,’ he said.
    ‘Don’t you dare defend Thomas!’ Anna sneered. ‘We can’t be friends if you take his side!’
    Johannes looked at her for a long time.
    ‘No man wants to desert his woman and his child, Anna. No one in their right mind would do that. And, yes, it was hard for him. It was probably a thousand times harder for him than it will ever be for you. His pain will last his whole life. You’ll find another man, Lily will have another father. But Thomas will never have another you. Never.’
    Anna started crying.
    ‘Thomas said it was all my fault.’
    ‘Yes, of course he did. What else could he say? How else would he explain himself? I don’t doubt for a second that you were hard work, Anna. You screamed and shouted, you hit him and you turned his life into a living hell. You’ve just told me. You give off twenty thousand volts. But nothing, nothing excuses cowardice. He could have done anything.Bound you, gagged you, had you committed or called the police, or fined you every time you freaked out, but he should have given you a chance. He should have given his family a chance. Leaving like that was cowardly. And you can’t live with a coward. Full stop.’
    It was the full stop which had touched Anna the most. Johannes’s assurance. What Thomas had done wasn’t okay. Full stop. Later, they had talked about forgiveness and Johannes had asked Anna if she intended to forgive her ex. Anna replied she didn’t know if she could.
    ‘But you have to,’ Johannes insisted. ‘Promise me that you’ll forgive him. For your sake and for Lily’s.’ He looked at her earnestly and she looked away. Johannes stood up and grabbed her firmly by the shoulders.
    ‘Anna, I mean it. If you don’t forgive him, you’ll never move on. Promise me that you will.’ Anna nodded, but Johannes didn’t let go of her.
    ‘I’ll hold you to your promise,’ he said. ‘And don’t take too long,’ he added. ‘Hey, look at me!’ Anna looked into his eyes without blinking.
    ‘Johannes. I’ll forgive him. I promise you. Not today, please? But soon.’
    Anna turned into Kongshøjgade and stopped dead. Three police cars were parked in the street outside Johannes’s flat and a dozen people had gathered outside the stairwell which was cordoned off with red and white police tape. Slowly, Anna walked closer, her heart pounding.

CHAPTER 10
     
    Thursday morning Søren woke up far too early. He gave up trying to go back to sleep and got up. He lit a fire in the living room, heated frozen bread rolls in the oven and forced himself to