The Fifth Elephant

saw Sybil’s mouth open. “All right, all right, three years. I’m not an unreasonable king.”
    “Prices on the dock?”
    “How can I refuse?”
    “Agreed, then.”
    “The paperwork will be with you in the morning. And now we really must go our separate ways,” said the king. “I can see His Excellency has had a long day. Ankh-Morpork will be swimming in fat. I can’t imagine what you’ll use it all for…”
    “Make light,” said Vimes, and, as darkness fell at last, fell forward gently into the welcoming arms of sleep.

    Sam Vimes woke up to the smell of hot fat.
    Softness enveloped him. It practically imprisoned him.
    For a moment he thought it was snow, except that snow wasn’t usually this warm. Finally, he identified it as the cloudlike softness of the mattress on the ambassadorial bed.
    He let his attention drift back to the fat smell. It had…overtones. There was a definite burnt component. Since Sam Vimes’s range of gastronomic delight mainly ranged from “well fried” to “caramelized,” it was definitely promising.
    He shifted position and regretted it immediately. Every muscle in his body squealed in protest. He lay still and waited for the fire in his back to die down.
    Bits and pieces of the last two days assembled themselves in his head. Once or twice he winced. Had he really gone through the ice like that? Was it Sam Vimes who’d stepped up to fight the werewolf, despite the fact that the thing was strong enough to bend a sword in a circle? And had Sybil won a lot of fat off the king? And…
    Well, here he was in a nice warm bed and by the smell of it there was breakfast on the way.
    Another piece of recollection floated into place.
    Vimes groaned, and forced his legs out of the bed. No, Wolfgang couldn’t have survived that, surely…
    Naked, he staggered into the bathroom and spun the huge taps. Hot pungent water gushed out.
    A minute later, he was lying full length again. It was rather too hot, but he could remember the snows, and maybe from now on he could never be hot enough.
    Some of the pain washed away.
    Someone rapped on the door.
    “It’s me, Sam.”
    “Sybil?”
    She came in, carrying a couple of very large towels and some fresh clothes.
    “Good to see you up again. Igor’s frying sausages. He doesn’t like doing it. He thinks they should be boiled. And he’s doing slumpie and fikkun haddock and distressed pudding. I didn’t want the food to go to waste, you see. I don’t think I want to stay for the rest of the celebrations.”
    “I know what you mean. How’s Carrot?”
    “Well, he says he doesn’t want sausages.”
    “What? He’s al—he’s up?”
    “Sitting up, at least. Igor’s a marvel. Angua said it was a bad break, but he’s just got some sort of device that…well, Carrot’s not even got a sling on now!”
    “Sounds a useful man to have around,” said Vimes, pulling on his civilized trousers.
    “Angua says Igor’s got an icehouse in the cellars and there’s frozen jars of, of…well, let’s just say he suggested that you might like liver and onions for breakfast and I said no.”
    “I like liver and onions,” said Vimes. He thought about it. “Up until now, anyway.”
    “I think the king wants us to go, as well. In a polite way. A lot of very respectful dwarfs came round here with paperwork first thing this morning.”
    Vimes nodded grimly. It made sense. If he were king he’d want Vimes out of here, too. Here’s some grateful thanks, a nice trading agreement, terribly sorry to see you go, do call again, only not too soon…
    Breakfast was everything he’d dreamed of. Then he went to see the invalid.
    Carrot was pale, gray under the eyes, but smiling. He was sitting up in bed, drinking fatsup.
    “Hello, Mister Vimes! We won, then?”
    “Didn’t Angua tell you?”
    “She went off with the wolves when I was asleep, Lady Sybil said.”
    Vimes recounted the events of the night as best he could.
    Afterward, Carrot said: “Gavin was a very noble creature. I am sorry he is dead. I’m sure we would have got on well.”
    You mean every word of it, Vimes thought. I know you do. But it works out all right for you, doesn’t it? It always does. If it had been the other way about, if it had been Gavin that attacked Wolf first, then I know it would have been you that went over the falls with the bastard. But it wasn’t you, was it. If you were dice, you’d always roll sixes.
    And the dice don’t roll themselves. If it wasn’t