The Fifth Elephant

to impatient knocking, revealed not the switchback features of Igor but the business end of Detritus’s crossbow, which was marginally worse.
    “It’s us, Sergeant,” said Vimes.
    The crossbow was removed, and the door opened farther.
    “Sorry, sir, but you said I was to be on guard,” said Detritus.
    “There’s no need to—”
    “Igor’s been hurt, sir.”

Igor was sitting in the huge kitchen, a bandage around his head. Lady Sybil was fussing over him.
    “I went to look for him a couple of hours ago and there he was, flat on the snow,” she said. She leaned closer to Sam Vimes. “He doesn’t remember very much.”
    “Can you recall what you were doing, old chap?” said Vimes, sitting down.
    Igor gave him a bleary look.
    “Well, thir, I went out to unpack the foodthtuffth from the other coach, and I’d just got hold of thomething and then all the lighth went out, thir. I reckon I mutht’ve thlipped.”
    “Or someone hit you?”
    Igor shrugged. For a moment, both of his shoulders were at the same level.
    “There’s nothing on the coach worth stealing!” said Lady Sybil.
    “Not unless someone was dying for a knuckle sandwich,” said Vimes. “Was anything taken?”
    “I checked everything against der list Her Ladyship gave me, sir,” said Detritus, meeting Vimes’s gaze. “There wasn’t anything missing, sir.”
    “I’ll just go and take a look for myself,” said Vimes.
    When they were outside he walked over to the coach and looked at the snow around it. The cobbles were visible here and there. Then he looked up at the grating.
    “All right, Detritus,” he said. “Talk to me.”
    “Just a feelin’, sir,” rumbled the troll. “I know ‘fick’ is my middle name…”
    “I didn’t know you had a first name, Sergeant.”
    “I don’t fink this was one of dem accidents dat happens by accident.”
    “He might have fallen off the coach when he was unloading it,” said Vimes.
    “An’ I might be the Fairy Clinkerbell, sir.”
    Vimes was impressed. This was low-temperature thinking from Detritus.
    “Der street doors is open,” said Detritus. “I reckon Igor disturbed someone who was pinchin’ stuff.”
    “But you said nothing was missing.”
    “Maybe der thief took fright, sir.”
    “What, at seeing Igor? Could be…”
    Vimes looked at the bags and boxes. Then he looked again. Things had been thrown down any old how. That wasn’t how you unpacked a coach, unless you were looking for something in a real hurry. No one would go to these lengths to steal food.
    “Nothing was missing…” He rubbed his chin. “Who packed the coach, Detritus?”
    “Dunno, sir. I fink Her Ladyship just ordered a lot of stuff.”
    “And we left in a bit of a rush, too…” Vimes stopped. Best to leave it there. He had an idea but…well, where was the evidence? You could say: Nothing that should have been there was missing, so what must have been taken was something that shouldn’t have been there. No. For now, it was just something to remember.
    They walked into the hall, and Vimes’s eye fell on a pile of cards on a table by the door.
    “Dere’s been a lot of visitors,” said Detritus.
    Vimes took a handful of cards. Some of them had gold edging.
    “Dem diplomatics all want you to come for drinky-poos an’ stories about chickens,” the troll added helpfully.
    “Cocktails, I think you’ll find,” said Vimes, reading through the pasteboards. “Hmm…Klatch…Muntab…Genua…Lancre… Lancre ? It’s a kingdom you could spit across! They’ve got an embassy here?”
    “No, sir, mostly dey’ve got a letterbox.”
    “Will we all fit in?”
    “Dey’ve rented a house for der coronation, sir.”
    Vimes dropped the invitations back onto the table.
    “I don’t think I can face any of this stuff,” he said. “A man can only drink so much fruit juice and listen to so many bad jokes. Where is the nearest clacks tower, Detritus?”
    “About fifteen miles hubward, sir.”
    “I’d like to find out what’s going on back home. I think that this afternoon Lady Sybil and I will have a nice quiet ride in the country. It’ll take her mind off this.”
    And then, he thought, I’ll wait until midnight, see?
    And it’s still only lunchtime.

    In the end, Vimes took Igor as driver and guide, and the guards Tantony and the one he would forever think of as Colonesque. Skimmer still hadn’t returned from whatever nefarious expedition was occupying his time, and Vimes was damned if