The Fifth Elephant

made a noise somewhere between a growl and the “tch!” of wifely disapproval. Obediently the baron pushed the dogs aside and flung himself into a chair.
    “You’ll have to take us as you find us,” said Serafine, smiling with her mouth alone. “This has always been a very informal household.”
    “It is a very nice place,” said Vimes weakly, staring around the enormous room. Trophy heads lined the walls, but at least there were no trolls. No weapons, either. There were no spears, no rusty old swords, not even a broken bow had been hung up anywhere, which was practically against the law of castle furnishing. He stared at the wall again, and then at the carving over the fireplace. And then his gaze traveled down.
    One of the dogs, and Vimes had to be clear about this, he was using the term dogs merely because they were indoors and that was a place where the word wolf was not usually encountered, was watching him. He’d never seen such an appraising look on a creature’s face. It was weighing him up.
    There was something familiar about the pale gold hair that was a sort of mane. In fact, the dog looked quite like Angua, but heavier set. And there was another difference, which was small yet horribly significant. As with Angua, he had this sensation of movement stilled; but, whereas Angua always looked as if she was poised to flee, this one looked poised to leap.
    “The embassy is to your liking? We owned it, you know, before we sold it to Lord V…Ve…”
    “Vetinari,” said Vimes, reluctantly taking his eyes off the wolf.
    “Of course, your people made a lot of changes,” she went on.
    “We’ve made a few more,” said Vimes, recalling all those patches of shiny woodwork where the hunting trophies had been removed. “I must say I was really impressed with the bathroo—I’m sorry?”
    There had been almost a yelp from the baron. Serafine was glaring at her husband.
    “Yes,” she said sharply, “I gather interesting things have been done.”
    “You’re so lucky to have the thermal springs,” said Vimes. And this was diplomacy, too, he thought, when you let your mouth chatter away while you watched people’s eyes. It’s just like being a copper. “Sybil wants to go to take the waters at Bad Heisses Bad—”
    Behind him he heard a faint growl from the baron and saw the look of annoyance flash across Serafine’s face.
    “I’m saying the wrong thing?” he said innocently.
    “My husband is a little unwell at the moment,” said Serafine, in the special wife voice which Vimes recognized as meaning “he thinks he’s fine right now but just you wait until I get him alone.”
    “I suppose I’d better present my credentials,” said Vimes, pulling out the letter.
    Serafine reached across quickly and took it from his hand.
    “I shall read it,” she said, smiling sweetly. “Of course, it’s a mere formality. Everyone’s heard of Commander Vimes. I mean no offense, of course, but we were a little surprised when the Patrician—”
    “Lord Vetinari,” said Vimes helpfully, putting a slight stress on the first syllable and hearing the growl on cue.
    “Yes, indeed…said that you would be coming. We were expecting one of the more…experienced…diplomats…”
    “Oh, I can hand around the thin cucumber sandwiches like anything,” said Vimes. “And if you want little golden balls of chocolate piled up in a heap, I’m your man.”
    She gave him a slow, blank stare.
    “Your pardon, Your Excellency,” she said. “Morporkian is not my first language, and I fear we may have inadvertently misled one another. I gather that you are, in real life, a pol ice man?”
    “In real life, yes,” said Vimes.
    “We’ve always been against a police force in Bonk,” said the baroness. “We feel it interferes with the liberties of the individual.”
    “Well, I have certainly heard that argument advanced,” said Vimes. “Of course, it depends on whether the individual you are thinking of is yourself or the one climbing out of the bathroom,” he noted the grimace, “window with the family silver in a sack.”
    “Happily, security has never been a problem for us,” said Serafine.
    “I’m not surprised,” said Vimes. “I mean…because of all the walls and gates and things.”
    “I do hope you will bring Sybil to the reception this evening. But I see that we are keeping you, and I know you must have much to do. Igor will show you out.”
    “Yeth, mithtreth,” said Igor, behind