The Game

present. He was turning as robotic as the rest of them. “I think Mystery needs to go.”

We called Mystery and Herbal into the room to give them our decision. They sat on the edge of the step leading up to Papa’s bed. Having come up with the only possible compromise for a complicated dilemma, I was proud of myself—mistakenly, it would turn out—for exercising my newfound leadership skills in a Solomon-like manner.
    “Herbal,” I began. “Katya will not be allowed in the house for two months. After that, if you’re still dating her, she may return to the house.”
    Herbal nodded.
    “Mystery, you have two months to get over Katya and find yourself a new girlfriend. In addition, there will be a zero-tolerance policy for violence in this house. If you threaten anyone’s life, attack anyone, or damage property, you will be asked to leave the house immediately.”
    Mystery didn’t nod.
    “So basically you’re saying you want me out of the house and that bitch gets to replace me,” he snarled.
    “Well,” Playboy said. “There’s always the chance Herbal and Katya will break up in that time.”
    “I don’t see that happening,” Herbal said.
    Mystery threw his arms into the air. “Well, then you guys are kicking me out.”
    “No,” I said. “We’re giving you two months to come to grips with your emotions.”
    I was trying to help him. But he refused to be helped.
    “If you give me at least two weeks notice before you leave,” Papa said, “I’ll refund your full deposit and find someone to fill the room.”
    Papa was happy. He was getting his way.
    Mystery’s forehead creased; his head twitched involuntarily. “You realize,” he said, “that Papa is trying to get me out of the house because he’s in competition with me. This is not about Mystery versus Herbal. It’s about Mystery Method versus Real Social Dynamics. I gave Papa his entire business model. I told him to harness his sex drive and become a businessman.He’s even charging fifteen hundred dollars now for boot camps where he teaches my material.” Mystery glared at Papa; Papa stared right through Mystery. “And now that he doesn’t need me anymore, he wants to move me out and turn my room into a twelve-person dorm.”
    At the time, I thought Mystery was in denial, that he was still refusing to take responsibility for his actions. “It didn’t have to turn out like this,” I told him. “Every step of the way, you’ve made bad decisions, and now you have to live with them. We’re not even kicking you out. You’re deciding to leave.”
    Mystery folded his arms across his chest and looked at us disdainfully.
    “Can’t you see that the actions you think are alpha-male ways to solve a problem actually prevented you from getting the outcome you wanted?” I continued.
    “It was a tactic designed to keep Katya out of the house, and it worked,” he maintained. “She hasn’t been back since.”
    I lost my cool. It was time for him to wake up and take a good look at himself.
    “You need some tough love,” I said, raising my voice for the first time all meeting. “You’re the best illusionist I’ve ever seen, yet you haven’t taken a single step toward your ninety-minute show—or any show, for that matter—since I’ve met you. Your pickup business is a mess, and your former students are raking in all the money that should be yours. As for your love life, ever since Katya, you’ve driven away every girl you’ve slept with. I would not recommend a girl ever dating you. You are a financial, mental, and emotional mess.” With each sentence I felt like a weight was being lifted off my chest. “You have nothing: no health, no wealth, and no relationships. And you have no one to blame but yourself.”
    Mystery dropped his head into his hands. His shoulders started shaking. Big Mystery tears rolled out of his eyes. “I’m a broken man,” he cried. “I’m broken.”
    The wall of sophistry and self-deception that had been propping him up came tumbling down. “What should I do?” He looked at me. “Tell me what to do.”
    Tears began leaking out of my eyes. I couldn’t help it. I turned and faced the wall so Herbal and Papa wouldn’t see. The tears ran faster. Despite all of Mystery’s flaws, I still cared about the guy. After two years in the seduction community, I still didn’t have a girlfriend, but for some reason Ihad bonded with this big blubbering genius. Perhaps it was really shared emotion and