The Girl You Left Behind

birdsong, and the rustle of leaves.
    I knew then that I would die there, and in
     truth I no longer cared.
    My whole body glowed with pain; my skin
     prickling with fever, my joints aching, my head thick. The canvas flap at the rear was
     lifted and the back opened. A guard ordered me out. I could barely move, but he pulled
     at my arm, as one would a recalcitrant child. My body was so light that I almost flew
     across the back of the truck.
    The morning was hung with mist, and through
     it I could see a barbed-wire fence, the vast gates. Above them, it said:
     ‘STRÖHEN’. I knew what it was.
    Another guard motioned at me to stay where I
     was, and walked over to a sentry box. There was a discussion, and one of them leaned out
     and looked at me. Beyond the gates I could see row upon row of long factory sheds. It
     was a bleak, featureless place with an air of misery and futility that was almost
     palpable. A watchtower with a crow’s nest stood at each corner, to prevent escape.
     They needn’t have worried.
    Do you know how it feels to resign yourself
     to your fate? It is almost welcome. There was to be no more pain, no more fear, no more
     longing. It is the death of hope that comes as the greatest relief. Soon, I could hold
     Édouard to me. We would be joined in the next life, because I knew surely that if
     God was good He would not be so cruel as to deprive us of this consolation.
    I became dimly aware of a fierce discussion
     in the sentry box. A man emerged and demanded my papers. I was so weak it took me three
     attempts to pull them from my pocket. He motioned to me to hold up my identity card. As
     I was crawling with lice, he did not want to touch me.
    He ticked something on his list and barked
     in German to the guard holding me. They had a short conversation. It faded in and out
     and I was no longer sure whether it was them lowering their voices or my mind betraying
     me. I was as mild and obedient as a lamb now; a thing, ready to go where they instructed
     me. I no longer wished to think. I no longer wished to imagine what new horrorslay ahead. Fever buzzed in my head and my eyes burned. I was so
     weary. I heard Liliane’s voice and knew distantly that while I lived I should
     still be afraid:
You have no idea what they will do to us.
But somehow I could
     not rouse myself to fear. If the guard had not been beside me, holding my arm, I might
     just have dropped to the ground.
    The gates opened to let a vehicle out, and
     closed again. I drifted in and out of time. My eyes closed and I had a brief vision of
     sitting in a café in Paris, my head tilted back, feeling the sun on my face. My
     husband was seated beside me, his roar of laughter filling my ears, his huge hand
     reaching for mine on the table.
    Oh, Édouard, I wept silently, as I
     shivered in the chill dawn air. I pray you escaped this pain. I pray it was easy for
     you.
    I was pulled forward again. Someone was
     shouting at me. I stumbled on my skirts, somehow still clutching my bag. The gates
     opened again and I was shoved roughly forwards into the camp. As I reached the second
     sentry post, the guard stopped me again.
    Just put me in the shed. Just let me lie
     down
.
    I was so tired. I saw Liliane’s hand,
     the precise, premeditated way she had lifted the gun to the side of her head. Her eyes,
     locked on mine in the last seconds of her life. They were limitless black holes, windows
     on an abyss.
She feels nothing now
,
I told myself, and some still
     functioning part of me acknowledged that what I felt was envy.
    As I put my card back into my pocket my hand
     brushed against the jagged edge of the glass fragment, and I felt aflicker of recognition. I could bring that point up to my throat. I knew the vein,
     just how much pressure to apply. I remembered how the pig had buckled in St
     Péronne: one brisk swipe and his eyes had closed in what seemed like a quiet
     ecstasy. I stood there and let the thought solidify in my head. I could do it before
     they even realized what I had done. I could free myself.
    You have no idea what they will do to us.
    My fingers closed. And then I heard it.
    Sophie
.
    And then I knew that release was coming. I
     let the shard fall from my fingers. So this was it, the sweet voice of my husband
     leading me home. I almost smiled then, so great was my relief. I swayed a little as I
     let it echo through me.
    Sophie.
    A German hand spun me round and pushed me
     back towards the gate. Confused, I