The Last Letter from Your Lover

except to pay bills or record some complaint. I don’t think I know what to say. For decades now I have lived only through other people’s words; I reorder them, archive them, duplicate and rank them. I keep them safe. I suspect I have long forgotten my own. The author of those letters seems like a stranger to me.
    You sound so different from the girl I saw at the Regent Hotel. And yet, in all the best ways, you are so evidently the same. I am glad you are well. I am glad I have had the chance to tell you this. I would ask to meet you, but I am afraid you would find me much removed from the man you remember. I don’t know.
    Forgive me.
    Anthony
    Two days previously Ellie had heard her name shouted a little breathlessly as she made her way down the stairs of the old building for the last time. She had turned to find Anthony O’Hare at the top. He was holding out a piece of paper bearing a scribbled address.
    She had skipped up again, to save him further effort.
    ‘I was thinking, Ellie Haworth,’ he said, and his voice was full of joy, trepidation and regret, ‘don’t send a letter. It’s probably better if you just, you know, go and see him. In person.’
    Dearest, dearest Boot,
    My voice has exploded in me! I feel I have lived half a century not being able to speak. All has been damage limitation, an attempt to carve out what was good from what felt destroyed, ruined. My own silent penitence for what I had done. And now . . . now? I have talked poor Ellie Haworth’s ear off until she stares at me in stunned silence and I can see her thinking: where is the dignity in this old woman? How can she sound so like a fourteen-year-old? I want to talk to you, Anthony. I want to talk to you until our voices croak and we can barely speak. I have forty years of talking to do.
    How can you say you don’t know? It cannot be fear. How could I be disappointed in you? After all that has happened, how could I feel anything other than acute joy at simply being able to see you again? My hair is silver, not blonde. The lines on my face are emphatic, determined things. I ache, I rattle with supplements, and my grandchildren cannot believe I have ever been anything but prehistoric.
    We are old, Anthony. Yes. And we do not have another forty years. If you are still in there, if you are prepared to allow me to paint over the vision you might hold of the girl you once knew, I will happily do the same for you.
    Jennifer X
    Jennifer Stirling is standing in the middle of the room, wearing a dressing-gown, her hair standing up on one side. ‘Look at me,’ she says despairingly. ‘What a fright. What an absolute fright. I couldn’t sleep last night and then I finally dropped off some time after five and I slept right through my alarm and missed my hair appointment.’
    Ellie is staring at her. She has never seen her look like this. Anxiety radiates from her. Without makeup her skin looks childlike, her face vulnerable. ‘You – you look fine.’
    ‘I rang my daughter last night, you know, and I told her a little of it. Not all. I told her I was due to meet a man I had once loved and hadn’t seen since I was a girl. Was that a terrible lie?’
    ‘No,’ says Ellie.
    ‘You know what she emailed me this morning? This.’ She thrusts a printed sheet, a facsimile from an American newspaper, about a couple who married after a fifty-year gap in their relationship. ‘What am I supposed to do with that? Have you ever seen anything so ridiculous?’ Her voice crackles with nerves.
    ‘What time are you meeting him?’
    ‘Midday. I’ll never be ready. I should cancel.’
    Ellie gets up and puts the kettle on. ‘Go and get dressed. You’ve got forty minutes. I’ll drive you,’ she says.
    ‘You think I’m ridiculous, don’t you?’ It’s the first time she has seen Jennifer Stirling look anything other than the most composed woman in the entire universe. ‘A ridiculous old woman. Like a teenager on her first date.’
    ‘No,’ says Ellie.
    ‘It was fine when it was just letters,’ Jennifer says, barely hearing her. ‘I could be myself. I could be this person he remembered. I was so calm and reassuring. And now . . . The one consolation I have had in all of this was knowing there was this man out there who loved me, who saw the best in me. Even through the awfulness of our last meeting I’ve known that in me he saw something he wanted more than anything else in the world. What if he looks at me and his disappointed?